Turning It Around Again

So funny how things can go from one extreme to the other.  For example when breaking up with someone - if it is a bad break-up the hate you feel for that person is overwhelming, and just a few short weeks or months ago you couldn't live without each other.

I said a few things in that previous post that are so untrue right now.  I wish him well, and I am glad that I got to see him after 22 years, but I am not at all sorry that I can't be the one to 'fix' him.  I am putting my foot down right now, and am done taking on issues and problems that aren't mine.  I have always wanted to help, and fix things for my friends.  I want everyone to be happy, and if there is something that I can do to help that then I don't think twice about doing it.

Not anymore.  The line for being there to offer a shoulder, and taking it all on has become almost non-existent, and I need to define it once again.

I learned a lot about myself this year, and I feel that I am finally almost 100% happy with that person.  She still needs a little fine tuning, but she has come a long way, and I am proud of her, and that is what I need to focus on.

Day 31 - I Take It All Back

I feel so lost right now.

So much has happened, but this is not the place for it.

I am so drained, confused, unsure, and scared.  It is so hard to admit that.

How the hell am I supposed to let someone know the real Allison, the whole 9 yards be it good or bad, good AND bad, when in a matter of minutes I could be their second choice?

Why do people have to lie?  I would rather be hurt by the truth than be hurt even more by a lie....and to know the truth, and still get the lies in answers is even worse.

Why can't anything go smoothly?  I'm not asking for easy - or is that the same thing?  I am tired of struggling.  I want a flow.

The first day in nearly 4 months that there was no communication.

'What are you up to?'

I didn't know I could miss those simple words when they weren't there on my screen... when I didn't see them all day.

I shared more than I have with any other person, and most importantly I WANTED to share more, open more, and be more trusting.  I don't trust blindly, it has to be earned.  I was trying.so.fucking.hard.

All in vain.

I can't right now.

Day 30 ~ A letter to Yourself of Everything You Love About Yourself

Dear Allison,

I love your heart.  You have such a good heart, and continue to do so leaving all that has hurt you behind.  You would help any person in any situation to the best of your ability, and you truly care about people.

I love your unwavering belief in true love.  You truly are a hopeless romantic, again, despite the scars that you carry.  You are such a loving, and caring person when you feel it is deserved.

I love your sense of humor, and wicked sarcasm.  Your ability to get along with, and talk to anybody has come a long way.  I love your laugh, and the fact that you laugh with your while being.  You always want to make sure that everyone else is having fun.  You almost 100% of the time put your needs behind anyone else's.

I love that you are trying to see the good in every situation, and learn how you can grow from whatever the outcome may be or no matter how bad it hurts.

I love what a good Mother you are.  We are often times so critical of our parenting abilities, and constantly question ourselves, and that is normal, but deep down you are raising a beautiful human being.  You need to tell yourself that more often.

I love your open mind, your non-judgmental nature, and acceptance of everyone around you no matter what they might believe in, who they may love or what they hold true to their hearts.

You are way too hard on yourself, and are your own worst enemy.  I hope that you can overcome that, and learn to be truly happy.  You deserve it - and don't ever forget that.

Day 29 ~ Something You Hope to Change About Yourself. Why?

Perfectly flawed.

An earlier entry asked a question along these same lines, and I found that one harder to answer for some reason.

I would like to change my crippling insecurity.  I don't show it, apparently, and I guess that is a good thing, but I think that enables it to eat more and more at the inside.  The voices in my head are definitely not on my side the majority of the time, but how do I change that on my own?

I'm not just insecure about outer appearances, but about everything that I do or feel or say.

I feel that I constantly need to be reminded by those that care about me - that they care.  Why?  I hate that, and I am sure the other party finds it quite annoying, but I don't know where it comes from, and I don't know how to fix it.

I think this has to be my biggest issue with myself.  I know how to fix the other things that I am unhappy with, and it is just a matter of doing it, but this - with this I am completely lost.

Breaking The Habit

I keep avoiding the last 2 questions on my 30 day challenge, and it's because I just can't quite get there - the answers or feelings just will not surface... or maybe it is how I want to say it.  In time, I guess.

So much more is weighing on my mind right now that does want to get out.

How do you break a habit that you have been taught all of your life?  The habit being that you run away from it, stuff it down, turn your back on it, and it will go away, right?  Not so much.

I wasn't always like that, this - I ended up being made to feel like every fiber of my being was wrong, stupid, or just plain ridiculous.  Who would keep giving when you got nothing in return except ridicule?  People wait for their turn to talk, and never really listen.  Surely their problems are huge compared to mine, and insignificant is an understatement.

I don't want to be like that anymore, but how do I know they are truly genuine?  Do you not think that I have heard every word you have said time and time again?  I still feel that something is different, and I need to learn to let myself latch onto that part - however tiny it may be.  There is a small voice that is screaming for me to open my eyes, and believe it - not 99.4%, but 100%.

It is just so fucking hard.  How can I let that guard down, and still not lose it all in the process?

In the most literal terms of turning my back - I have already done that, and it has already left a scar on something that was very promising - I feel the damage is done - there is no explaining or rationalizing as no matter what I say or any explanation that I may give would be looked down on.

Do I even have an answer as to why I did that?  I don't know -    

I Lock Myself Inside My Head, and I Just Run In Place

I feel so disjointed lately, I can't settle down, and I can't take the day as it comes.  I am not a patient person, yet I have no idea what the fuck I am waiting for.

I am restless under this roof, and everything that comes up is keeping me here, but every part of my being is screaming and pulling to get out.

...relief can't come quick enough.

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun....

Zeus

I am so disgusted.

I had my suspicions about Zeus, the new rescue, confirmed today.  He has heart worms, hook worms, whip worms and parasites.  Not to mention that he had previously broken 2 toes, and they were never 'fixed' right, and his teeth are beyond bad with 2 being rotted in the back.

I feel compelled to go beat someone's ass, and then over again for good measure.

I am so sickened at the thought of this dog once being a hall of fame racer, and now in his current condition.  You wouldn't think anything is wrong, he is so loving, sweet, and happy.

I am hopeful since he did gain 2 pounds since last Saturday which is very good.  We are starting all of his treatment tonight, and everything aside from the heart worms will be easy to get rid of.  The heart worms will be treated for the rest of his life, but at least they will be treated.

I am always 'preaching' to my friends that get a dog - or any damn animal for that matter -  about the care that is so important for them, and if you can't fucking afford groceries or toilet paper then maybe you shouldn't have an animal!  One simple pill a month could have prevented Zeus from getting the heart worms - which are fatal in adult dogs if not caught early enough.  Heart worms are caused by the animal being bit by an infected mosquito, and now he will be on his treatment for the rest of his life.

He has lived the last at least 5 years with no preventative care, no shots, rabies vaccines or anything, and on a diet that caused him to lose hair, and have dry skin.  The parasites, and worms have been sucking every last nutrient from his body.

I know these things can get expensive, but if you care enough to have the animal, you should care enough to seek out clinics and/or programs that offer low cost vaccines and neuter/spay programs.  You also need to research the benefits - besides over-population - to having your animal spayed/neutered.  There are cancer risks, behavior modifications, and a number of other benefits.  Your animal won't just lay around and get fat after being fixed unless you allow it to - even keeping toenails trimmed to proper length keeps them from getting splints in their toes or causing serious damage to toes and joints.

I have had Missy on the Wellness plan with Banfield hospital at PetSmart since we have had her, and to date the plan has saved me nearly $5,000.00.  I pay a monthly fee, and all of her yearly vaccines are covered, all preventative care is covered, office visits, and I get very good discounts on thing that may not be covered which is rare.  Now we have Zeus on the plan, and he can finally get the care that he needs.

So, if you think it necessary to have an animal you need to also find it necessary to be able to properly care for them.

Impatient Patience

I hate waiting.  I HATE it. 

I hate waiting for something that I want so bad even though I am not 100% sure that I will ever have it - at all.  Not just specifically.

Is it possible to miss something that you have never had?  I can say with 100% conviction that it is.  My GOD, it is.

My heart skips a beat, the butterflies wake and go crazy, and I get so damn anxious.  Words exchanged are small in quantity, but are as big as this planet in meaning and what they do to me.

I hate disappointment.  I try to prepare myself, but there is something there that won't let me say the words.  A force that is telling me to just be patient, and for once push the negative away.  Day by day.

...those days are getting longer and longer, and my heart is growing so much fonder.

Setting up for the fall.

It's hard to wait around for something you know may never happen, but it is even harder when you know it is everything that you want.

Day 28 ~ What if You Were Pregnant. What Would You Do?

Interesting.  Very interesting that this would come up.

No, I'm not, but I must say that if it happened I would be beyond thrilled.

I always wanted more than one kid - even if only 2.  I was an only child, and despite the stigma that comes with that it sucks.  I was far from the spoiled, get everything I want only child.

I hated it.  I truly hated it, and I hate it now.  I feel so disconnected from family, and I feel that a sibling would have saved me from many stupid things.

I love babies, and little toddlers, and the questions, the cute faces, the hugs, and the I love you's that only you can understand.  Little arms reaching up for you.  I loved it.  I was good at it.

Ashleigh wants to be a big sister so bad, and she would be the best there ever was.

I keep thinking that an ex boss of mine had her oldest at 40 - almost 41.

...maybe there's hope.

I might go wish on a star.

Day 27 ~ What’s The Best Thing Going For You Right Now?

I can say that the best thing I have right now is the love and support of a true friend when nothing else is going right.

I love you, Jess.  

To the moon and back.

In A New York Minute

I always find it amusing, and a little bit sad how things change from post to post when they share a common topic.

So much has happened with the relationship the previous post was about in this amount of time, and the end result is that it has... ended.  Not going into it.

'The hardest part of ending is starting again.'

Oh well.... on to to finally finishing my 30 days - which took about 60.

Follow My Own Advice

A beautifully romantic night dampened with one question, and my inability to give an honest answer.

Why?  Why couldn't I say it?

I value honesty on a relationship, and I expect it - especially in the beginning stages.

In a separate conversation he asks me what I value most in a relationship, and I answered with, 'honesty.'

In another conversation a question was asked, and I told only half the truth.

It has been wearing on my brain like a leech since the moment I said it.

I can only hope that he understands my reasoning.

I have to tell the rest, and suffer the consequences.

Day 26 ~ Have You Ever Thought About Giving Up On Life? If So, When and Why?

Unfortunately, I have a 'yes' answer for this question.

It was 1995/1996, and I truly felt like I had nothing.  at all.  I was in the throws of an addiction to whatever you would give me or I could afford, and those that I thought cared the most left.  I lost some that swore in blood they would never leave me.

I shut the rest out - family included -  they didn't matter that much anyway so I looked at it as nothing lost.  I worked 2 jobs, and had a loft apartment overlooking main street in a small town in Oklahoma.  I fell into a routine of working, coming home and getting high.  Day after day after day after day after day.  I hardly spoke to anyone at work.  I was working tech support for Compaq, and was able to go to my little cubicle and escape.  I did the occasional bumps in the bathroom to get me through the day - or I would do a lot more than that, and work 2 shifts.  I had nothing else to do except support my habit.

I slowly started to realize that I had nothing to live for.  Nobody to live for.  I was barely existing.  I don't want to dwell too much on the rest of this story, but every day I thank a higher power for giving me the strength.

I sat in that bathroom floor which would later serve as my own prison with a syringe full of poison ready to end every misery I had.  Only the second time in my life I would have used a needle.  I sat there twisting it around in my fingers as a steady stream of tears flowed down my face, and I sat wondering where I had gone wrong.

...something told me that I wasn't beyond help.  I heard a voice that told me very sternly to put it down.  I still don't know if it was a male or female voice, and I suppose that it doesn't matter.  I remember getting up, walking to the sink and dumping all of it out.  I went into a fit of rage and completely trashed that apartment.  I screamed and cried at a faceless figure that represented every single person that had let me down.  I had a fit of self pity to rival any other, but...

I came through it.
I thank that voice in my prayers and whispers every day,

Sia - Breathe Me

I can not stop listening to this song right now.  I am in awe of how a song comes around and the timing is perfect, and parallel with my current state of mind.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Post Secret for Mother's Day

I am an avid follower of Post Secret, and I think that I will start posting my weekly favorites here as well as Facebook.... or when I can't post them on Facebook.

Day 25 ~ The Reason You Believe You’re Still Alive Today.

I have sat here, and thought about this for quite some time, and have come up with quite a few answers, ideas, and thoughts.

I am taking this in the most literal sense.  I came through a lot of situations in my life that I honestly shouldn't have.  I can only believe that I had a purpose.

I didn't yet do what I was put here to do.

I don't know what that is, and maybe it all has to do with Ashleigh, maybe that and more.

One reason that I am still alive today - I never gave up.  I never quit no matter how down I was.

I am stronger than I think, and I am stopping this here before I get off on some other tangent. 

And There My Mind Goes

I am starting to over think, analyze and criticize.  I do it to myself so well.

I posted the traits of Aquarius awhile back, and made the comment that I had an issue with one listed, and that is  one of Aquarius being 'emotionally detached.'  I didn't, and still don't like that, and never thought that I fit into that description.

I was told that I was exactly that, and by someone that I think to be very intuitive... sees me very well.  I just don't get it.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, and my scars are there for everyone to see.

I wanted to say quite a bit in response to that comment, but it wasn't the time.  It did, however, lead me to evaluate the relationship, be that what it may.  I realized a lot about the other person by them making that comment, and it's not so much the actual making of the comment, it's what followed.  He liked that about me.  He was attracted to the fact that I was 'emotionally detached.'  His example being that a lot of women need to be texted everyday or called everyday.  I didn't admit that if a day goes by that I don't talk to him in one form or another I get a tad bummed about it.  I'm not blowing up his phone asking where he has been, and all that shit because that's not me.  I am busy, and have a life, too.  Nonetheless, I still get a bit bummed.

Maybe he means it in that simplest form.
In that one example.

I , of course, am taking it and letting it stew in my head until it forms into this big, evil monster that will wear me down and have me a paranoid android.  Yes, I am completely internalizing it.  Why?

...because of the front that I put up. I want people to think that I don't truly care, and I don't to a certain extent.  When I cross that line with you - I want you to know that I am truly a big softie inside, but you are going to have to pull her out.  I don't just give it easily - as much as I may want to.  I want to know you care enough to try.

I hate it.  This one conversation over candle light has had me an emotional mess.  I don't want to say that it clouds the amazing time that I had, but it may have dimmed it a little bit.  I have a million things running like wild stallions in my head.  I am drawing a million conclusions from 5 minutes worth of conversation.

Unfortunately, none of them are in my favor.  again.

Stay, Wasting Time

I have been bad.  I said that this was going to be the new home for my rampant thoughts, and wild musings, but I have neglected it...again.

I feel the difference,  I notice the shift and off balance feeling I get when I am not here to let it all out.  Bleed it out as Jess says...and that is SO fitting a phrase.  She knows I don't get it out, I bleed it out.

I have a lot to catch up on - mainly to finish my 30 Day Challenge that has had about a 20 day break inbetween posts.

...there is also a lot on the personal front.  I finally met Melissa!  She came down for Mardi Gras, and we all went.  It was amazing.  I miss them all so much.  I need to post the pictures.

I am seeing someone.  He is, let's just say quite a bit younger than I am, but beyond my age in his soul.  I have fun with him, and while right now it is nothing serious, I like him a lot.  We shall see.

I am catching up on my tattoos, FINALLY.  I got both the old ones covered up, and they look fantastic.  I will post some pictures later.

I should get back to work, but it is SO slow today - especially for a Monday.  All of the guys are out of the office, and I am playing catch up on a few things.  SO, I guess I should do that.

Day 24 ~ Make a Playlist to Someone

It is no secret that music is a vital part of my life.  It has saved me, spoken what I didn't have the nerve to, said it when I couldn't say it myself, and so much more.

I, of course, made the entry to Ashleigh.  I am supposed to write an explanation for each song, but as it does so well, I am going to let the music speak for itself.  I have put notes on a few, though.

I will say that some songs have a very deep meaning, and some just remind me of a time.

I know she will know.


Madonna - Little Star
Alice in Chains - Rooster
Rod Stewart - Forever Young
You Are My Sunshine - I will forever carry the sound of her little voice singing this to me.
Stevie Wonder - Isn't She Lovely
Janis Joplin - Bobby McGee - The only song that would stop her kicking in my tummy.
Heart - Dog and Butterfly
Cat Stevens - Wild World
The Beatles - In My Life
Cyndi Lauper - True Colors
Stone Temple Pilots - Sour Girl
Stone Temple Pilots - I Got You
Pink - Perfect
Live - Lightining Crashes
Antigone Rising - You're The Reason
Michael Jackson - Man in the Mirror
Blind Melon - Three is the Magic Number - Her favorite to sing in the car.
Blue October - Fairytale
Christina - Beautiful
Aretha Franklin - R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Aerosmith - Dream On
Jane's Addiction - Jane Says
Blondie - The Tide is High
Elton John - Bennie and the Jets
Foo Fighters - Hero

I said that I wasn't going to let this one get away from me, but I have done just that, dammit!

I need to finish the 30 day challenge, and keep the promise to myself to write here at least every other day.

So, here we go...

Day 23 ~ Something You Wish You Had Done in Your Life.

...that's pretty obvious, huh?

I graduated high school, and left the 'girls home', and the last thing that I wanted to do was go to college.  I started working.  I loved the idea of finally being on my own, making my own money, and having the apartment, paying my own bills.  So that's what I did.

I was never really told that college was something that I HAD, rather - should do.  I didn't get that guidance from my family, and I sure as hell didn't get it where I was.  I remember my Junior year going to a seminar, or college prep thing or something like that, but I was never talked to about what I wanted to do.  

I am not blaming it all on that, obviously I knew that college was important, but I think things would have been different if I would have had a strong support system kicking my butt to do it.

I have a damn good job now, and I have excellent 'on the job' experience in what I do, but when I am looking for a job - none of that matters, and it sucks.

I stress to Ashleigh nearly everyday how important it is that she go to college.  I like the fact that the school district also stresses this starting very early.  They have workshops, college nights, and other events many times throughout the year - starting in 8th grade.  I am thankful for that.

Day 22 ~ Something You Wish You Hadn’t Done In Your Life.

I think this question walks a thin line between simply wishing you hadn't done something and regretting something.

I don't truly regret anything as those decisions and choices were made for a reason - one that I may still not understand, but a reason nonetheless.

To simply name something that I wish I hadn't done may be easier, and not come with the implication of regret, and having said that I do wish that I wouldn't have pushed that one person away.

I am so good at it - it is an art that I perfected.  I always pushed before I got pushed, and I would probably still have that person in my life as the only person in the world who truly knows me, and loves me just for me. He was the best friend that I ever had, and it was only a friendship, and one in the purest of forms.

I miss you, and I have needed you so many times.

I'm sorry.

Day 21 ~

Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? 

Really?  You have asked some pretty good questions so far, 30 Day - whatever you are, but this one is lacking.

I don't care if we told each other to fuck off and die - I don't care what she/he or I may have done to each other to warrant the fight, but I would be there in a heartbeat.  No questions.

Now, if the accident was a minor one, and she/he was ok or suffered only minor injuries - the fight is totally back on.

Day 20 ~ Your Views on Drugs and Alcohol

I have talked about it before, and while it is something that I am, in a way, ashamed of, it is a big part of what made me who I am today.  I hate that saying sometimes, but when you can say it, and truly understand it - it works - it carries meaning.

I struggled with addiction for many years.  There are  few drugs that I never tried - even once just to say that I had tried it.  I used a needle one time, and much like the time I tried heroin - I thank a higher power that I was able to realize how fucking good it was, and to know that I needed to stay away from it.  I still don't know how I did it - I have a very addictive personality.  I have heard the term 'functioning alcoholic,' and for a long time it didn't make sense to me, but when I really looked back on those years it made perfect sense.  I was a functioning addict.  I held 2 jobs, paid rent, bills, a car payment, insurance - all of that adult shit.  I was just fucked up all the time.  I learned to still function while on my 4th day of being awake, or on so many pills I couldn't remember how many or what I took - chased with Tequila.  Sometimes that was just to get out of bed.

I went through something that turned that 'functioning' into barely able to do anything at all.  I sat on the bathroom floor of my loft apartment for 2 weeks surrounded by my own personal assortment of lucky charms, rolled up dollar bills, and bottles.  This was my low, my rock bottom.

I pulled myself out of it - I did it by myself.  I still don't know how I did it.  By this time I had pushed away the few people left that cared enough to stick around longer than the others.  I lie, a little.  It was in this time that the words of Layne truly broke through to me.  All else had failed me, but I found refuge in his understanding and sympathetic words. I felt not so alone - even though my shadow was my only friend.  It was writing and Layne.  I wrote letter after letter to him - never sent.  Shaking, sweating - we were going to kick this together - he had to.  I had to.  I held up my end of the deal.

I think having gone through an addiction gives you a whole new outlook or opinion of drug use.  I am 100% honest with Ashleigh, and I have made her sit and watch Intervention.
I am a lucky one.
A lot of those people are the lucky ones who make it.  More than that do not.
She is aware of that.  I think that she is scared of it.

So, after all of that my opinion is that drugs are very, very bad - but at the same time I get so aggravated that people are so quick to dismiss an addict and their behavior.  It is truly a disease that takes over your entire body, mind and fucking soul.  I understand.  I went through the process with 2 very good friends.  I lost them both, but so many times I wanted to throw my hands up and walk away - that only makes the need and the want worse.
It ignites the voices of doubt, and fear, and self-loathing.
I understood that.  The addict hears that you are leaving them, they feel that you don't care - not that it is out of love.

I knew that I would steer to the right with this and get off true topic, but it is hard not to.  I always feel the need to explain things, and then explain the explanation.

I never had a problem with alcohol, but have dealt with many others in the situation.  I don't feel like I can fairly give an opinion as before.  Oddly enough - I always have something to say, but with this I can't really say anything...this kind of bothers me.  I need to think about this -

...those that know me know I have no problem having a few Margarita's, shots of Patron, a glass of wine or way too many beers at Mardi Gras, but as far as drinking like I did when I was in my 20's?  Fuggit about it.

Day 19 ~ What Do You Think of Religion? What Do You Think of Politics?

I have views, and I have opinions on both subjects as everyone does, but I choose to keep them to myself.

I truly find it hard to not judge someone - not based on what their own personal beliefs are, but how they choose to express them.  It says a lot about a person, truly.

I have had quite a few people completely surprise me when they started rambling their religious or political views in my face, and I realized that they were not the kind of person that I would choose to associate myself with.

So, in short - I am keeping my mouth shut, and we all know how hard that is for me to do.

Day 18 ~ Your Views On Gay Marriage

I have been waiting ever so patiently for this one to come up.  I am kind of selective about which ones I post to Facebook - it doesn't make sense why I am - they can all be seen, but this one is going up there loud and proud as I am sure that I will get a few emails and messages in private, of course, giving me shit for it - I always do.  It's Ok, I like it.

'It isn't appropriate!  You have a daughter, and are setting a bad example!'

I will tell you that I am raising one of the most open-minded and accepting kids that you will ever meet.  She sees love for everybody - your color or orientation matter not to her, and that is one of the most valuable lessons that I can give to her.  So, before you go sending your judgmental letters of hate to my inbox - fuck off. 

  

In my support for gay marriage -  of the gay community, and gay rights I have lost many friends.  I really couldn't care less as they simply proved what kind of person they truly were - one that I wanted nothing to do with.  I don't have time for small, ugly, and judgmental minds.

I don't care what you are - I don't care who you are - you deserve to be happy, you deserve the same rights, and you deserve the same recognition of your love and commitment to each other that everyone else deserves...and has.

Day 17 ~ A Book You’ve Read That Changed Your Views On Something

Day 16 ~ Someone or Something You Definitely Could Live Without.

I have to say that for me this would be cigarettes.

I smoked for 20 years, give or take a few years, and I never thought that I could do it.

I did it for Ashleigh for her birthday - May 2010.  I quit cold turkey, and have to say that it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be.  It was a little easier because I had become a 'habit' smoker - if I was talking on the phone I had to go outside and smoke, on a lunch break I had to smoke real quick.  I wasn't 'addicted,' and didn't crave the nicotine.  If I didn't smoke a cigarette all day - I would be fine.

The first few weeks were a little tough, and I certainly gave quite a few toothpicks hell, but it was worth it.

I do have to admit that my timing could have been better.  In the same time frame of quitting smoking I was taken off caffeine.  I don't know how I made it through anything without either one of those vices.

I am so happy that I decided to do it.  I feel better, my clothes, and car don't stink.   I don't stink.  I can be around a smoker now and nearly gag at the smell sometimes.

So, to you cigarettes - suck it.  I don't need you.

Day 15 ~ Something or Someone You Couldn’t Live Without Because You’ve Tried Living Without It.

I honestly can't answer this one.

If I tried living without some 'one' or some 'thing' - it was for good reason, and it stayed out of my life.

Day 14 ~ A Hero That Has Let You Down

Dear (biological) Dad,

I hope that everyday you think about me, your only daughter, and you hate yourself for what you did to me.  I hope that you look in the mirror, and are disgusted at the person looking back at you.

I thought, no - I knew you hung the moon.  You could do anything, and you were my rock, my center, my life, and.... my Daddy.

I held on for years wondering what I could do better.  I got better grades, played better at all of the sports I was in - just to get you to notice me again, and for once put me before the many women that came in and out of our house.  I was good for the, 'Yea, I am a single Dad line,' and not much else after that.

I cried myself to sleep at night wondering what I did wrong, and wanting to understand what I could do differently to fix whatever I had done.  I was made to feel like I screwed everything up.

I will never forget the day that you let me go.  You called my Mother saying that I was ruining your marriage with Sandy.

I still defended you, and blindly loved you for years after that.  It was well into my adult years when I realized what you did to me.  To this day you try and make excuses for your behavior, and nothing ever rings with any blame on you.
It was everyone else.

I was your daughter - your only child.  Nothing, NOTHING should ever come between that.

You have ruined a part of me that will never be healed.

Day 13 ~ A Band or Artist That Has Gotten You Through Some Tough Ass Days.

I'm betting that anyone who truly knows me knew that this was the answer.

The first time I ever heard that voice sing those words that touched my soul, gave me goosebumps, and rocked my brain I was hooked.

I'm not going into detail about past experiences - I have written about it before, and continue to do so every year on Layne's birthday.  I truly owe a big part of my being here to the words and music of this band, of Layne.

To this day they can turn a bad mood around or make a good day better - blasting through the sunroof, I imagine that he is watching...smiling.

Day 12 ~ Something you never get compliments on

I am totally blank on this one.

Day 11 ~ Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Yea, I am going with the hair on this one.


I have to say that it took me a long damn time to appreciate that I had natural red hair.  I was teased relentlessly by kids at school well into 7th and 8th grade.  I was the freak with the funny colored hair and freckles - some things never change!   I also learned very young of the stigma that comes with being a redhead.  I was supposed to be this fiery, passionate, hot-tempered, and emotional creature, and again, some things never change.


I think it was high school that I finally started to realize just how cool it was.  Guys looked at me differently.  There was, besides a general interest in the difference, a fear in their eyes, and that kicked ass.


In reading through the history of the redhead - we were treated pretty shitty.  The belief that we are in a constant state of rage comes from, unofficially, the fact that the Scots with their high percentage of red haired people are descended from the Celts, notoriously violent warriors. 


In Egypt, many pharos had red hair, even Ramses, but with their superstition came the belief that the color red was unlucky and many redheads were burnt to death to wipe out the tint. Stories still persist that redheads were buried alive.


The Greeks thought that we all turned into vampires after we died.  Aristotle described redheads as being 'emotionally un-housebroken.'  What does that even mean?


I have read that ancient Romans paid a very high premium for redheaded slaves.  The most famous, and best of all, is that redheads are witches.  Apparently, this came about during the Spanish Inquisition as flame colored hair was evidence that the owner had stolen the fire of hell and had to be burned as a witch. In Corsica, if you pass a redhead in the street you are supposed to spit and turn around. It is unclear if that is supposed to bring good luck or because redheads leave a bad taste in your mouth.


Russian tradition declares that red hair is both a sign of a fiery temper and craziness, and a proverb warns, 'There was never a saint with red hair.'   Indeed, red hair does figure in the bible.  The word Adam is supposedly the Hebrew word for 'red' or 'ruddy', and Judas is often portrayed with red hair as is Mary Magdalene.  King David is thought to have been a redhead, and some even believe the 'Mark of Cain' to actually be red hair.


It's not all bad, though - King Arthur had red hair, and it was told that a red haired leader would come to lead the country in times of trouble.  Enter Elizabeth I and Churchill who were thought to be answers to this legend. The Merovians of ancient Gaul were red headed and this was believed to give them magical powers.


'It is observed that the red-haired of both sexes are more libidinous and mischievous than the rest, whom yet they much exceed in strength and activity.' ~ Jonathon Swift 


So, all in all I am damn proud of my hair color and all of the mystery that surrounds it.  Blondes and brunettes can eat shit!


...some quotes that I found that I like - 

'Brunettes may be smarter, blondes may have more fun, but none are wrapped so tightly in mystery and intrigue.' ~ Unknown

"Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead." - Lucille Ball

"Nobody who has known a redhead can say that redheads are tame. Even shy redheads have a burning spark of adventure inside them. Opinionated, hotheaded, logical, loyal, friendly, reserved, whatever the redheads' personality, you can bet they'll have SCADS of it!" - Review of The Redhead Encyclopedia

"All throughout history, from Reuben to Robbins, redheads have been recognized as a rare breed. Blondes may have more fun, brunettes may be brainier, but when it comes down to raw energy, creativity, and personality ... you just can't beat a redhead well, you can, but beware ... she'll probably beat you back!" - Redheads Unlimited

"While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats." - Mark Twain

Out of the ash

I rise with my red hair

And eat men like air.

-Sylvia Plath

Day 10 ~ Someone You Need To Let Go, or Wish You Didn’t Know.

I need to let Him go.

I, at times, wish that I might have never met him or fallen for him, but I did, and those times so many years ago were amazing.

So many years later we found each other after keeping in contact off and on for a good 10 years.  We see each other again, twice he comes to see me.  Invades my heart, and briefly heals my soul.

I wouldn't move states away, and he didn't like that.  So he left.
He hurt not only me, but my daughter...they were great together.

He is rumored to be getting married, and I have talked about this previously so I am not going to beat it to death.

I am going to let Him go.

Day 9 ~ Someone You Didn’t Want to Let Go, but Just Drifted.

She was my soul mate in a friend.

It's sad, though - we were so much alike...finishing each others sentences, and knowing what the other was thinking is an understatement.  We had a friendship, and a love that I thought was unbreakable.

The sad part is that while we were so good for each other, we were so tragically wrong.  We, at times, could bring out the absolute worst in each other.

I'm not going into much detail here because it still hurts - nearly 9 years later.

I didn't want to lose that bond - no matter how bad it got we could always make it right, but some things are unforgivable.

I think of her and her family often, and even though we went through what we did I wish them nothing but the absolute best.

Day 8 ~ Someone Who Made Your Life Hell, or Treated you like Shit.

Day 7~ Someone Who Has Made Your Life Worth Living For

Interesting that this was the topic for today as I got the above tattoo today.  It is the sign for Aquarius - me (top) and Taurus - Ashleigh (bottom.)  It isn't a wonderful picture.  Mine is blue, and not black, and it is on the inside of my right forearm.

She has made my life worth living.

She is the reason that I am even here.  I left so much behind when I found out about her.  These were things that would have killed me, and I might not have minded so much....at the time.

She is the most amazing thing that I have ever seen, and the best thing that I have ever or will ever do.  Each day is brighter because of her smile.  The hug that I get every morning when I wake her up is what gets me through the day.

I am so proud of the person that she is and is also becoming.  Her heart is so true, and honest.  She has a spirit that I had always hoped my child would have.  

She is amazing, and I hate to think about what might have happened had God not decided that I still needed to be on this earth, and give her to me.

So, to my Ashleigh - I love you - more than life, and more than you will ever know.

Day 6 ~ Something You Hope You Never Have To Do.

I hope that I never have to be the decision maker for someone that can't.

I saw my Mom go through that when my step-father passed away, and even though it is what he wanted - the outcome of what would happen if we would have let them continue, wasn't what he wanted...

...she still agonizes over it to this day, and that was nearly 6 years ago.  I'm sure that will be in the back of her mind until the day she is gone.

Day 5 ~ Something You Hope To Do In Your Life

I started off 2011 with a mental clean slate, and every day is a struggle to keep it that way.  I am trying to let go, and be ready... for anything.

I want to take chances again - damn the consequences.
I want to find the free spirit that I lost.
I want to feel like I am truly living again, and not just for someone else.
I want to be happy in my skin, and I am getting there.
I want the girl back who could love with all of her heart, and not worry about what might happen if she let that heart out of the cage.
I want to live in the moment again, and not wait for things to go bad.

I want to find me, again.

I am done with the same old shit.

Day 4 ~ Something You Have to Forgive Someone For

'The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.' ~ Gandhi

I have a lot of somethings to forgive.  I have tried and tried, but I don't know that by pushing it away and never thinking about it equals me truly forgiving.

If I had to single out one thing - it would be that you gave up on me, and sent me away instead of stepping up, and being a better parent.  I would never do that to my child.  You are just too selfish and self-absorbed to ever think that you might have done something wrong.

I never had you for my first broken heart...

...prom

...softball or volleyball games - track meets

...it would have never felt like it should have, anyway.

You never even came to visit.  Too busy in Ruidoso or Cancun living it up.  

You always say that we lived in a nice house and I had nice clothes, and I really have nothing to complain about.  I'm sorry, but that doesn't make a relationship, and it sure as fuck doesn't make a child happy or feel loved.  You are the materialistic one - not me.

Those people that you tried so hard to keep me away from - you remember, you hated them because they had mohawks, all the guys wore eye-liner and black lipstick - we dressed all in black because we liked it.  We never took our combat boots off, and we listened to music that you thought was trash.

...they loved me for ME, and they were my family.

The relationship that we have to this day is a scarred and broken one.  I almost prefer it that way.  I don't know that I like the person that you are at all.

You are perfect, if only in your own eyes.

I have forgiven you for what you did, but I will never forget what it did to me.  I do have to admit that by you sending me away it made me the person that I am today.  I am so much stronger than I ever give myself credit for, and I am still as fucked up emotionally for it as the day that you drove away.  I had to learn real quick just who I was.

I made friendships with other girls that are as strong as ever to this day...and that?

...that you can not take from me.

Day 3 ~ Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For

I didn't know if I could narrow this down to just one thing.
I have a lot to forgive myself for, but I think the biggest thing that weighs on my heart is Alix.

There are less than a few people that know about this, and while I am not ashamed of it, at all, it is something that I have never fully dealt with.

I had a daughter in 1994 that was adopted.  The pregnancy came from a very bad place - situation.  Something happened to me, but it had nothing to do with her.

I knew instantly that adoption was my choice.  I am pro-choice, but having an abortion is just not something that I could have done.

I have to say that the whole process was nothing short of - the most amazing experience of my life.  For where it came from to what it ended up as is truly a gift from God.

I literally found the adoptive family from a flyer for an adoption agency in California at the family health clinic.  I read through portfolio's of these families longing for the child that was in my stomach, growing every day - kicking me - making me smile, and at the same time breaking every last part of my heart.  How could I choose something like this?  I didn't think that I could ever make the decision - and it was mine to make all alone.  What was I looking for?  I didn't really know what I wanted except for someone that would love this child and give her everything that I never could.  I loved her more than words could say, but what she would forever represent to me was something that I could not begin to imagine how to handle.

I was nearly 3 weeks away from my due date, and I still had not decided on a family.  Nothing had clicked, nobody fit what I thought I was looking for.
I then opened a package from them.  I read their portfolio, and looked at their pictures - it was in that moment that I once again believed in God.  I had turned him away, denied that he was ever really there for doing this to me.

I knew that they were exactly what I had been blindly searching for the last 9 months.  I contacted the agency, and within a day it was arranged for us to talk on the phone.  I felt as though I were talking to a long lost friend that I had yet to meet face to face.  I knew instantly - I had never been so sure of anything.  We talked 3 - 4 times a day, and within a week I was off to Santa Barbara where they lived - I had exactly 2 weeks left until my due date.

I arrived in Santa Barbara to open arms, tears, and a second family.  The agency thought it might be easier if I stayed with a family that volunteered with them.  I had no idea until later that night that they wanted me there with them - I didn't want to go anywhere else, either.

So, I stayed....
We watched old movies together, listened to music, talked about life, baby names, baby room colors.  I was so much a part of their family it was overwhelming.  In a good way.  They had another daughter, and at that time she was around 11 or 12.  She played soccer, and we went to all of her games, went and had lunch with her at school.  She was also adopted, and knew it an early age.  She wrote an essay at school on 'Why You Are Special,' and her topic was because she was adopted.

One of the most amazing memories from that time, and one that I will carry with me the rest of my life is the baby kicking and her getting to feel it.  We were at a soccer game, and she was kicking like crazy, but sometimes she would stop suddenly.  I hollered at her because she was on the sideline coaching.  She ran over, and put her hands so gently on my stomach, felt the kick of the little feet and we both cried.
It is something that I will never forget.

It seemed like an eternity that I was with them before the baby came - the time dragged by, and I had no problem with that, at all.  We were watching 'To Kill a Mockingbird,' and it all started - off to the hospital we went, and literally in 2 hours there she was.

I didn't see her.  I didn't think that I could handle it.  I knew that I couldn't handle it.  I wouldn't have changed my mind, but that was something that I could not do.  I thought, at that time, that I didn't want to see her at all before I went back home.  It was their wish that we could all sit together with her.

...after leaving the hospital, I went to stay with a very good friend of theirs that we had actually visited with during my time there.  They also had an adopted child, a Son.  I really liked this family, too.  Timing would have it that they were having a birthday party for their Son that night, and everyone else would be there with the baby.  I talked with Cathy about my wishes to not see the baby before I left.  She shared with me the story of her and her Sons' biological mother.  She felt the same way that I did, and didn't want to see him at all, and Cathy had hoped that they could all spend time together.  She expressed to me that the Mother decided to see him, and it was the best thing that she could have done.  I thought long and hard about it, and decided that I wanted to see her.

I spent the whole afternoon with her.  I told her how very much I loved her - there was never an issue of me not wanting her, but I just couldn't keep her.  I couldn't do it.  She was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen.  She was perfect in every way.  She deserved the world, and they could give it to her.

The adoptive Mom came in and the 3 of us spent some time together, and I knew that I had made the right decision.  I would have forever regretted not having those moments with them.

We kept in touch for quite some time.  I would get Mother's Day cards, and give them.  They sent pictures, but time passes, and people move.  We lost touch.  I have recently found them on Facebook, of course.  I just haven't made that move.  I will not talk to Alix.  It is her decision.  If she never wants to meet me or talk to me I will have to live with that.

I have had those thoughts keep me awake many a night.  She is still as beautiful as the last time that I saw her.  I hope I ever get the chance to explain to her.  To make her understand.

...to hug her and tell her that I love her so very much.

I have fought with this guilt since the day that I got on the plane and left California.  I have always told myself that I did what I had to do, and what I did was for the best - for her.

I need to finally believe that.  I have to let it go, and know that she had everything that I wanted for her.  She had everything that I could not do for her or give to her.

...it was not my fault.  I did nothing wrong.

I have sat here for the last hour doing this - with certain memories and words typed stopping to cry, smile about it, and finally...

- to finally forgive myself for the guilt, and what I put myself through so many times.

Day 2 ~ Something You Love About Yourself

It's so much easier to admit to what you dislike about yourself.

I have been sitting here thinking about it, and come to the conclusion that the thing that I love about myself is that I truly am still a hopeless romantic.  I still believe that he is out there searching for me as hard as I am searching for him.

'I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you...' 

I am so very jaded, guarded, and hidden, but underneath it all I long for someone to sweep me off my feet, give me butterflies at little things said, and at their very thought running through my mind.

I want the fairytale, and even though mine might be a fucked up version of the one that we were taught to believe in as little girls - it is my own, and I want it.

Pleasure in the Pain

I seriously need to feel the prick of the needle on my skin.  Soon.  So much I can let go of with that pain.

I know the next 2 things that I want to get - one is a cover-up, and one is mine and Ashleigh's astrological signs together.  I don't know where I want to put that one.  I thought the back of my neck, but every time I see someone with a tattoo there I don't like it.

My inside forearm? Upper arm?  I don't know.  I need to decide because come tax return it is ON.

I am also going to have Darren do some touch-up work on my back - it looks like shit, and I hate it.  She was so beautiful at first, but now looks like a cheaply done, back alley tattoo.

She carries so much meaning - beautiful memories of a kindred spirit taken from me too soon.  I have let him down, and I need to fix it.

Day 1 ~ Something You Hate About Yourself

Insecurity.

I mentioned in a previous post that I require constant assurance.  I hate that.  I truly hate that.

What am I insecure about?  Everything.

I grew up a pretty skinny kid, and remained that way well into my early 30's.  Life dealt me a situation that I had no idea how to handle so I let myself go in every sense of the word.  It has been a struggle, but this year I am finally doing something about it - without chemicals and rolled up dollar bills.

I also remember feeling this same way as far back as I can remember.  Does it come from my Dad leaving me?  Wanting something better with his bitch wife that didn't involve his only child?  I always hated it when the therapists started with the 'daddy issue' bullshit, but as I get older and start to evaluate situations and feelings, I feel that there may be more truth to it than I had believed before.

I had the feelings of never being good enough within every relationship that I have had.  There will always be something better than what I have to offer.

I love passionately, and I love deeply, but that is never enough.  Why else would someone cheat?

I have, in the past, twisted my inner-workings, thoughts, and beliefs to fit what I thought someone wanted so that I may seem good enough in their eyes.
I lived a lie, and wasn't true to myself.
I finally realized what a crock of bullshit that was.  It didn't matter.  The feelings were still there staring at me with their cold eyes.

I have come to terms with the person that I am - I like me.  I don't know that I can say that I 'love' me, yet.  I don't know that will ever happen, really.
Can I ever be truly happy if I don't love myself?
Can I ever get over the insecurities?
Truly push them away?

I'm Your Huckleberry

I am going to try my hardest to do this - I think it fits well with the path I am trying to go down.

Day 01 — Something you hate about yourself. 

Day 02 — Something you love about yourself

Day 03 — Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 — Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 — Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 — Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 07 — Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Day 08 — Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Day 09 — Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 — Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 — Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12 — Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13 — A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 — A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Day 15 — Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living 

without it.

Day 16 — Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 — A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 — Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 — What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 — Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 — (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 — Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 23 — Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 — Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 — The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26 — Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27 — What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28 — What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 — Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Day 30 — A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Catch-Up

I have been thinking a lot lately about the past, not dwelling or regretting, but simply thinking about it.  Exploring, without hurt.

I know we all have a story, and a sordid history that helped define us - some worse than others, and some on a silver platter.

I have been thinking a lot that I am really not sure how I made it through mine.  I can't, at times, believe that I am here when I think of some of the shit that I have done to myself, or had happen to me through no fault of my own.

I didn't deserve a lot of shit that I went through - most as a young child - an innocent player in the ugly games that adults play without regard to consequence.  I had to grow up way too quick, and deal with too much - too young.  These things defined and nurtured the need for the future drug use, addiction, self-mutilation, depression - the list goes on.  I know that I made the decision to...
drink from the bottle
snort the line
flick the air bubble out, but...

I was trying to escape.  I wanted it to all go away, so I could be numb...for once.  I wanted to stop feeling, caring, and obsessing over things that were not under my control.  With these habits came a peace and a quiet that by all definition was killing me...softly and sweetly with its' saving grace.
The beautiful face of euphoria.

I wish that I would have been a better person, a stronger person - a more secure person that could have risen above those challenges and demons that fed into every negative thought - invading every good thought with the sick poison of doubt and fear.

I wonder what part of me is better for having gone through these things.  I can see that I am stronger, I feel it, but in some ways...

I am as weak and scared as that little girl clutching the teddy bear in the corner - dreaming of a way to make it all go away.

...or the addict laid across the bathroom floor clinging to a shred of dignity wondering if there will ever be a way out before it is too late.

I made it all go away, and I found my way out before it was too late.

I still don't know how, but I thank a higher power everyday that I did.

I hope it's not too late to figure out why.

One Step Up, 5 Steps Back

I thought that I was over it.

After all, it has been over a year, if not longer, since all communication just suddenly stopped.  I wouldn't do what he wanted me to do so he left... in every sense of the word.

Love of my life, high school sweetheart - the one that broke my heart the best.

A mutual friend just HAD to tell me that she heard the news today, oh boy.  He is getting married this year to the one that he met after me.
One that I also went to school with, and was very good friends with at one time.

How does that feel going down?
Like a switchblade dipped in alcohol would feel cutting the inside of your throat.
Maybe a 10" sword covered in salt and vinegar being stabbed repeatedly into my stomach.
Or repeated blows to the head with a fucking baseball bat that has spikes on the end of it.

I had pretty much put him out of my head along with the feelings that I had for him, and wished him well, but hearing that stirred up everything all over again.

He always said that he was only doing it once - I hope it works out for him.

I am having my moment, and I am going to push it away.

It will not define nor destroy me.