Day 1 ~ Something You Hate About Yourself

Insecurity.

I mentioned in a previous post that I require constant assurance.  I hate that.  I truly hate that.

What am I insecure about?  Everything.

I grew up a pretty skinny kid, and remained that way well into my early 30's.  Life dealt me a situation that I had no idea how to handle so I let myself go in every sense of the word.  It has been a struggle, but this year I am finally doing something about it - without chemicals and rolled up dollar bills.

I also remember feeling this same way as far back as I can remember.  Does it come from my Dad leaving me?  Wanting something better with his bitch wife that didn't involve his only child?  I always hated it when the therapists started with the 'daddy issue' bullshit, but as I get older and start to evaluate situations and feelings, I feel that there may be more truth to it than I had believed before.

I had the feelings of never being good enough within every relationship that I have had.  There will always be something better than what I have to offer.

I love passionately, and I love deeply, but that is never enough.  Why else would someone cheat?

I have, in the past, twisted my inner-workings, thoughts, and beliefs to fit what I thought someone wanted so that I may seem good enough in their eyes.
I lived a lie, and wasn't true to myself.
I finally realized what a crock of bullshit that was.  It didn't matter.  The feelings were still there staring at me with their cold eyes.

I have come to terms with the person that I am - I like me.  I don't know that I can say that I 'love' me, yet.  I don't know that will ever happen, really.
Can I ever be truly happy if I don't love myself?
Can I ever get over the insecurities?
Truly push them away?