Monday, February 28, 2011

Day 18 ~ Your Views On Gay Marriage

I have been waiting ever so patiently for this one to come up.  I am kind of selective about which ones I post to Facebook - it doesn't make sense why I am - they can all be seen, but this one is going up there loud and proud as I am sure that I will get a few emails and messages in private, of course, giving me shit for it - I always do.  It's Ok, I like it.

'It isn't appropriate!  You have a daughter, and are setting a bad example!'

I will tell you that I am raising one of the most open-minded and accepting kids that you will ever meet.  She sees love for everybody - your color or orientation matter not to her, and that is one of the most valuable lessons that I can give to her.  So, before you go sending your judgmental letters of hate to my inbox - fuck off. 
In my support for gay marriage -  of the gay community, and gay rights I have lost many friends.  I really couldn't care less as they simply proved what kind of person they truly were - one that I wanted nothing to do with.  I don't have time for small, ugly, and judgmental minds.

I don't care what you are - I don't care who you are - you deserve to be happy, you deserve the same rights, and you deserve the same recognition of your love and commitment to each other that everyone else deserves...and has.

Day 17 ~ A Book You’ve Read That Changed Your Views On Something

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Day 16 ~ Someone or Something You Definitely Could Live Without.

I have to say that for me this would be cigarettes.

I smoked for 20 years, give or take a few years, and I never thought that I could do it.

I did it for Ashleigh for her birthday - May 2010.  I quit cold turkey, and have to say that it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be.  It was a little easier because I had become a 'habit' smoker - if I was talking on the phone I had to go outside and smoke, on a lunch break I had to smoke real quick.  I wasn't 'addicted,' and didn't crave the nicotine.  If I didn't smoke a cigarette all day - I would be fine.

The first few weeks were a little tough, and I certainly gave quite a few toothpicks hell, but it was worth it.

I do have to admit that my timing could have been better.  In the same time frame of quitting smoking I was taken off caffeine.  I don't know how I made it through anything without either one of those vices.

I am so happy that I decided to do it.  I feel better, my clothes, and car don't stink.   I don't stink.  I can be around a smoker now and nearly gag at the smell sometimes.

So, to you cigarettes - suck it.  I don't need you.

Day 15 ~ Something or Someone You Couldn’t Live Without Because You’ve Tried Living Without It.

I honestly can't answer this one.

If I tried living without some 'one' or some 'thing' - it was for good reason, and it stayed out of my life.

Day 14 ~ A Hero That Has Let You Down

Dear (biological) Dad,

I hope that everyday you think about me, your only daughter, and you hate yourself for what you did to me.  I hope that you look in the mirror, and are disgusted at the person looking back at you.

I thought, no - I knew you hung the moon.  You could do anything, and you were my rock, my center, my life, and.... my Daddy.

I held on for years wondering what I could do better.  I got better grades, played better at all of the sports I was in - just to get you to notice me again, and for once put me before the many women that came in and out of our house.  I was good for the, 'Yea, I am a single Dad line,' and not much else after that.

I cried myself to sleep at night wondering what I did wrong, and wanting to understand what I could do differently to fix whatever I had done.  I was made to feel like I screwed everything up.

I will never forget the day that you let me go.  You called my Mother saying that I was ruining your marriage with Sandy.

I still defended you, and blindly loved you for years after that.  It was well into my adult years when I realized what you did to me.  To this day you try and make excuses for your behavior, and nothing ever rings with any blame on you.
It was everyone else.

I was your daughter - your only child.  Nothing, NOTHING should ever come between that.

You have ruined a part of me that will never be healed.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Day 13 ~ A Band or Artist That Has Gotten You Through Some Tough Ass Days.

I'm betting that anyone who truly knows me knew that this was the answer.

The first time I ever heard that voice sing those words that touched my soul, gave me goosebumps, and rocked my brain I was hooked.

I'm not going into detail about past experiences - I have written about it before, and continue to do so every year on Layne's birthday.  I truly owe a big part of my being here to the words and music of this band, of Layne.

To this day they can turn a bad mood around or make a good day better - blasting through the sunroof, I imagine that he is watching...smiling.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Day 11 ~ Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Yea, I am going with the hair on this one.

I have to say that it took me a long damn time to appreciate that I had natural red hair.  I was teased relentlessly by kids at school well into 7th and 8th grade.  I was the freak with the funny colored hair and freckles - some things never change!   I also learned very young of the stigma that comes with being a redhead.  I was supposed to be this fiery, passionate, hot-tempered, and emotional creature, and again, some things never change.

I think it was high school that I finally started to realize just how cool it was.  Guys looked at me differently.  There was, besides a general interest in the difference, a fear in their eyes, and that kicked ass.

In reading through the history of the redhead - we were treated pretty shitty.  The belief that we are in a constant state of rage comes from, unofficially, the fact that the Scots with their high percentage of red haired people are descended from the Celts, notoriously violent warriors. 

In Egypt, many pharos had red hair, even Ramses, but with their superstition came the belief that the color red was unlucky and many redheads were burnt to death to wipe out the tint. Stories still persist that redheads were buried alive.

The Greeks thought that we all turned into vampires after we died.  Aristotle described redheads as being 'emotionally un-housebroken.'  What does that even mean?

I have read that ancient Romans paid a very high premium for redheaded slaves.  The most famous, and best of all, is that redheads are witches.  Apparently, this came about during the Spanish Inquisition as flame colored hair was evidence that the owner had stolen the fire of hell and had to be burned as a witch. In Corsica, if you pass a redhead in the street you are supposed to spit and turn around. It is unclear if that is supposed to bring good luck or because redheads leave a bad taste in your mouth.

Russian tradition declares that red hair is both a sign of a fiery temper and craziness, and a proverb warns, 'There was never a saint with red hair.'   Indeed, red hair does figure in the bible.  The word Adam is supposedly the Hebrew word for 'red' or 'ruddy', and Judas is often portrayed with red hair as is Mary Magdalene.  King David is thought to have been a redhead, and some even believe the 'Mark of Cain' to actually be red hair.

It's not all bad, though - King Arthur had red hair, and it was told that a red haired leader would come to lead the country in times of trouble.  Enter Elizabeth I and Churchill who were thought to be answers to this legend. The Merovians of ancient Gaul were red headed and this was believed to give them magical powers.

'It is observed that the red-haired of both sexes are more libidinous and mischievous than the rest, whom yet they much exceed in strength and activity.' ~ Jonathon Swift 

So, all in all I am damn proud of my hair color and all of the mystery that surrounds it.  Blondes and brunettes can eat shit!

...some quotes that I found that I like - 

'Brunettes may be smarter, blondes may have more fun, but none are wrapped so tightly in mystery and intrigue.' ~ Unknown

"Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead." - Lucille Ball

"Nobody who has known a redhead can say that redheads are tame. Even shy redheads have a burning spark of adventure inside them. Opinionated, hotheaded, logical, loyal, friendly, reserved, whatever the redheads' personality, you can bet they'll have SCADS of it!" - Review of The Redhead Encyclopedia

"All throughout history, from Reuben to Robbins, redheads have been recognized as a rare breed. Blondes may have more fun, brunettes may be brainier, but when it comes down to raw energy, creativity, and personality ... you just can't beat a redhead well, you can, but beware ... she'll probably beat you back!" - Redheads Unlimited

"While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats." - Mark Twain

Out of the ash

I rise with my red hair

And eat men like air.

-Sylvia Plath

Monday, February 14, 2011

Day 10 ~ Someone You Need To Let Go, or Wish You Didn’t Know.

I need to let Him go.

I, at times, wish that I might have never met him or fallen for him, but I did, and those times so many years ago were amazing.

So many years later we found each other after keeping in contact off and on for a good 10 years.  We see each other again, twice he comes to see me.  Invades my heart, and briefly heals my soul.

I wouldn't move states away, and he didn't like that.  So he left.
He hurt not only me, but my daughter...they were great together.

He is rumored to be getting married, and I have talked about this previously so I am not going to beat it to death.

I am going to let Him go.

Day 9 ~ Someone You Didn’t Want to Let Go, but Just Drifted.

She was my soul mate in a friend.

It's sad, though - we were so much alike...finishing each others sentences, and knowing what the other was thinking is an understatement.  We had a friendship, and a love that I thought was unbreakable.

The sad part is that while we were so good for each other, we were so tragically wrong.  We, at times, could bring out the absolute worst in each other.

I'm not going into much detail here because it still hurts - nearly 9 years later.

I didn't want to lose that bond - no matter how bad it got we could always make it right, but some things are unforgivable.

I think of her and her family often, and even though we went through what we did I wish them nothing but the absolute best.

Day 8 ~ Someone Who Made Your Life Hell, or Treated you like Shit.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Day 7~ Someone Who Has Made Your Life Worth Living For

Interesting that this was the topic for today as I got the above tattoo today.  It is the sign for Aquarius - me (top) and Taurus - Ashleigh (bottom.)  It isn't a wonderful picture.  Mine is blue, and not black, and it is on the inside of my right forearm.

She has made my life worth living.

She is the reason that I am even here.  I left so much behind when I found out about her.  These were things that would have killed me, and I might not have minded so the time.

She is the most amazing thing that I have ever seen, and the best thing that I have ever or will ever do.  Each day is brighter because of her smile.  The hug that I get every morning when I wake her up is what gets me through the day.

I am so proud of the person that she is and is also becoming.  Her heart is so true, and honest.  She has a spirit that I had always hoped my child would have.  

She is amazing, and I hate to think about what might have happened had God not decided that I still needed to be on this earth, and give her to me.

So, to my Ashleigh - I love you - more than life, and more than you will ever know.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Day 6 ~ Something You Hope You Never Have To Do.

I hope that I never have to be the decision maker for someone that can't.

I saw my Mom go through that when my step-father passed away, and even though it is what he wanted - the outcome of what would happen if we would have let them continue, wasn't what he wanted...

...she still agonizes over it to this day, and that was nearly 6 years ago.  I'm sure that will be in the back of her mind until the day she is gone.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Day 5 ~ Something You Hope To Do In Your Life

I started off 2011 with a mental clean slate, and every day is a struggle to keep it that way.  I am trying to let go, and be ready... for anything.

I want to take chances again - damn the consequences.
I want to find the free spirit that I lost.
I want to feel like I am truly living again, and not just for someone else.
I want to be happy in my skin, and I am getting there.
I want the girl back who could love with all of her heart, and not worry about what might happen if she let that heart out of the cage.
I want to live in the moment again, and not wait for things to go bad.

I want to find me, again.

I am done with the same old shit.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Day 4 ~ Something You Have to Forgive Someone For

'The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.' ~ Gandhi

I have a lot of somethings to forgive.  I have tried and tried, but I don't know that by pushing it away and never thinking about it equals me truly forgiving.

If I had to single out one thing - it would be that you gave up on me, and sent me away instead of stepping up, and being a better parent.  I would never do that to my child.  You are just too selfish and self-absorbed to ever think that you might have done something wrong.

I never had you for my first broken heart...
...softball or volleyball games - track meets would have never felt like it should have, anyway.

You never even came to visit.  Too busy in Ruidoso or Cancun living it up.  

You always say that we lived in a nice house and I had nice clothes, and I really have nothing to complain about.  I'm sorry, but that doesn't make a relationship, and it sure as fuck doesn't make a child happy or feel loved.  You are the materialistic one - not me.

Those people that you tried so hard to keep me away from - you remember, you hated them because they had mohawks, all the guys wore eye-liner and black lipstick - we dressed all in black because we liked it.  We never took our combat boots off, and we listened to music that you thought was trash.

...they loved me for ME, and they were my family.

The relationship that we have to this day is a scarred and broken one.  I almost prefer it that way.  I don't know that I like the person that you are at all.

You are perfect, if only in your own eyes.

I have forgiven you for what you did, but I will never forget what it did to me.  I do have to admit that by you sending me away it made me the person that I am today.  I am so much stronger than I ever give myself credit for, and I am still as fucked up emotionally for it as the day that you drove away.  I had to learn real quick just who I was.

I made friendships with other girls that are as strong as ever to this day...and that?

...that you can not take from me.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Day 3 ~ Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For

I didn't know if I could narrow this down to just one thing.
I have a lot to forgive myself for, but I think the biggest thing that weighs on my heart is Alix.

There are less than a few people that know about this, and while I am not ashamed of it, at all, it is something that I have never fully dealt with.

I had a daughter in 1994 that was adopted.  The pregnancy came from a very bad place - situation.  Something happened to me, but it had nothing to do with her.

I knew instantly that adoption was my choice.  I am pro-choice, but having an abortion is just not something that I could have done.

I have to say that the whole process was nothing short of - the most amazing experience of my life.  For where it came from to what it ended up as is truly a gift from God.

I literally found the adoptive family from a flyer for an adoption agency in California at the family health clinic.  I read through portfolio's of these families longing for the child that was in my stomach, growing every day - kicking me - making me smile, and at the same time breaking every last part of my heart.  How could I choose something like this?  I didn't think that I could ever make the decision - and it was mine to make all alone.  What was I looking for?  I didn't really know what I wanted except for someone that would love this child and give her everything that I never could.  I loved her more than words could say, but what she would forever represent to me was something that I could not begin to imagine how to handle.

I was nearly 3 weeks away from my due date, and I still had not decided on a family.  Nothing had clicked, nobody fit what I thought I was looking for.
I then opened a package from them.  I read their portfolio, and looked at their pictures - it was in that moment that I once again believed in God.  I had turned him away, denied that he was ever really there for doing this to me.

I knew that they were exactly what I had been blindly searching for the last 9 months.  I contacted the agency, and within a day it was arranged for us to talk on the phone.  I felt as though I were talking to a long lost friend that I had yet to meet face to face.  I knew instantly - I had never been so sure of anything.  We talked 3 - 4 times a day, and within a week I was off to Santa Barbara where they lived - I had exactly 2 weeks left until my due date.

I arrived in Santa Barbara to open arms, tears, and a second family.  The agency thought it might be easier if I stayed with a family that volunteered with them.  I had no idea until later that night that they wanted me there with them - I didn't want to go anywhere else, either.

So, I stayed....
We watched old movies together, listened to music, talked about life, baby names, baby room colors.  I was so much a part of their family it was overwhelming.  In a good way.  They had another daughter, and at that time she was around 11 or 12.  She played soccer, and we went to all of her games, went and had lunch with her at school.  She was also adopted, and knew it an early age.  She wrote an essay at school on 'Why You Are Special,' and her topic was because she was adopted.

One of the most amazing memories from that time, and one that I will carry with me the rest of my life is the baby kicking and her getting to feel it.  We were at a soccer game, and she was kicking like crazy, but sometimes she would stop suddenly.  I hollered at her because she was on the sideline coaching.  She ran over, and put her hands so gently on my stomach, felt the kick of the little feet and we both cried.
It is something that I will never forget.

It seemed like an eternity that I was with them before the baby came - the time dragged by, and I had no problem with that, at all.  We were watching 'To Kill a Mockingbird,' and it all started - off to the hospital we went, and literally in 2 hours there she was.

I didn't see her.  I didn't think that I could handle it.  I knew that I couldn't handle it.  I wouldn't have changed my mind, but that was something that I could not do.  I thought, at that time, that I didn't want to see her at all before I went back home.  It was their wish that we could all sit together with her.

...after leaving the hospital, I went to stay with a very good friend of theirs that we had actually visited with during my time there.  They also had an adopted child, a Son.  I really liked this family, too.  Timing would have it that they were having a birthday party for their Son that night, and everyone else would be there with the baby.  I talked with Cathy about my wishes to not see the baby before I left.  She shared with me the story of her and her Sons' biological mother.  She felt the same way that I did, and didn't want to see him at all, and Cathy had hoped that they could all spend time together.  She expressed to me that the Mother decided to see him, and it was the best thing that she could have done.  I thought long and hard about it, and decided that I wanted to see her.

I spent the whole afternoon with her.  I told her how very much I loved her - there was never an issue of me not wanting her, but I just couldn't keep her.  I couldn't do it.  She was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen.  She was perfect in every way.  She deserved the world, and they could give it to her.

The adoptive Mom came in and the 3 of us spent some time together, and I knew that I had made the right decision.  I would have forever regretted not having those moments with them.

We kept in touch for quite some time.  I would get Mother's Day cards, and give them.  They sent pictures, but time passes, and people move.  We lost touch.  I have recently found them on Facebook, of course.  I just haven't made that move.  I will not talk to Alix.  It is her decision.  If she never wants to meet me or talk to me I will have to live with that.

I have had those thoughts keep me awake many a night.  She is still as beautiful as the last time that I saw her.  I hope I ever get the chance to explain to her.  To make her understand. hug her and tell her that I love her so very much.

I have fought with this guilt since the day that I got on the plane and left California.  I have always told myself that I did what I had to do, and what I did was for the best - for her.

I need to finally believe that.  I have to let it go, and know that she had everything that I wanted for her.  She had everything that I could not do for her or give to her. was not my fault.  I did nothing wrong.

I have sat here for the last hour doing this - with certain memories and words typed stopping to cry, smile about it, and finally...

- to finally forgive myself for the guilt, and what I put myself through so many times.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Day 2 ~ Something You Love About Yourself

It's so much easier to admit to what you dislike about yourself.

I have been sitting here thinking about it, and come to the conclusion that the thing that I love about myself is that I truly am still a hopeless romantic.  I still believe that he is out there searching for me as hard as I am searching for him.

'I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you...' 

I am so very jaded, guarded, and hidden, but underneath it all I long for someone to sweep me off my feet, give me butterflies at little things said, and at their very thought running through my mind.

I want the fairytale, and even though mine might be a fucked up version of the one that we were taught to believe in as little girls - it is my own, and I want it.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Pleasure in the Pain

I seriously need to feel the prick of the needle on my skin.  Soon.  So much I can let go of with that pain.

I know the next 2 things that I want to get - one is a cover-up, and one is mine and Ashleigh's astrological signs together.  I don't know where I want to put that one.  I thought the back of my neck, but every time I see someone with a tattoo there I don't like it.

My inside forearm? Upper arm?  I don't know.  I need to decide because come tax return it is ON.

I am also going to have Darren do some touch-up work on my back - it looks like shit, and I hate it.  She was so beautiful at first, but now looks like a cheaply done, back alley tattoo.

She carries so much meaning - beautiful memories of a kindred spirit taken from me too soon.  I have let him down, and I need to fix it.

Day 1 ~ Something You Hate About Yourself


I mentioned in a previous post that I require constant assurance.  I hate that.  I truly hate that.

What am I insecure about?  Everything.

I grew up a pretty skinny kid, and remained that way well into my early 30's.  Life dealt me a situation that I had no idea how to handle so I let myself go in every sense of the word.  It has been a struggle, but this year I am finally doing something about it - without chemicals and rolled up dollar bills.

I also remember feeling this same way as far back as I can remember.  Does it come from my Dad leaving me?  Wanting something better with his bitch wife that didn't involve his only child?  I always hated it when the therapists started with the 'daddy issue' bullshit, but as I get older and start to evaluate situations and feelings, I feel that there may be more truth to it than I had believed before.

I had the feelings of never being good enough within every relationship that I have had.  There will always be something better than what I have to offer.

I love passionately, and I love deeply, but that is never enough.  Why else would someone cheat?

I have, in the past, twisted my inner-workings, thoughts, and beliefs to fit what I thought someone wanted so that I may seem good enough in their eyes.
I lived a lie, and wasn't true to myself.
I finally realized what a crock of bullshit that was.  It didn't matter.  The feelings were still there staring at me with their cold eyes.

I have come to terms with the person that I am - I like me.  I don't know that I can say that I 'love' me, yet.  I don't know that will ever happen, really.
Can I ever be truly happy if I don't love myself?
Can I ever get over the insecurities?
Truly push them away?

I'm Your Huckleberry

I am going to try my hardest to do this - I think it fits well with the path I am trying to go down.

Day 01 — Something you hate about yourself. 

Day 02 — Something you love about yourself
Day 03 — Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 — Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 — Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 — Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 — Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 — Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 — Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 — Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 — Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 — Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 — A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 — A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 — Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living 
without it.

Day 16 — Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 — A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 — Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 — What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 — Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 — (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 — Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 — Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 — Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 — The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26 — Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 — What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 — What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 — Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 — A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


I have been thinking a lot lately about the past, not dwelling or regretting, but simply thinking about it.  Exploring, without hurt.

I know we all have a story, and a sordid history that helped define us - some worse than others, and some on a silver platter.

I have been thinking a lot that I am really not sure how I made it through mine.  I can't, at times, believe that I am here when I think of some of the shit that I have done to myself, or had happen to me through no fault of my own.

I didn't deserve a lot of shit that I went through - most as a young child - an innocent player in the ugly games that adults play without regard to consequence.  I had to grow up way too quick, and deal with too much - too young.  These things defined and nurtured the need for the future drug use, addiction, self-mutilation, depression - the list goes on.  I know that I made the decision to...
drink from the bottle
snort the line
flick the air bubble out, but...

I was trying to escape.  I wanted it to all go away, so I could be numb...for once.  I wanted to stop feeling, caring, and obsessing over things that were not under my control.  With these habits came a peace and a quiet that by all definition was killing me...softly and sweetly with its' saving grace.
The beautiful face of euphoria.

I wish that I would have been a better person, a stronger person - a more secure person that could have risen above those challenges and demons that fed into every negative thought - invading every good thought with the sick poison of doubt and fear.

I wonder what part of me is better for having gone through these things.  I can see that I am stronger, I feel it, but in some ways...

I am as weak and scared as that little girl clutching the teddy bear in the corner - dreaming of a way to make it all go away.

...or the addict laid across the bathroom floor clinging to a shred of dignity wondering if there will ever be a way out before it is too late.

I made it all go away, and I found my way out before it was too late.

I still don't know how, but I thank a higher power everyday that I did.

I hope it's not too late to figure out why.