Day 3 ~ Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For

I didn't know if I could narrow this down to just one thing.
I have a lot to forgive myself for, but I think the biggest thing that weighs on my heart is Alix.

There are less than a few people that know about this, and while I am not ashamed of it, at all, it is something that I have never fully dealt with.

I had a daughter in 1994 that was adopted.  The pregnancy came from a very bad place - situation.  Something happened to me, but it had nothing to do with her.

I knew instantly that adoption was my choice.  I am pro-choice, but having an abortion is just not something that I could have done.

I have to say that the whole process was nothing short of - the most amazing experience of my life.  For where it came from to what it ended up as is truly a gift from God.

I literally found the adoptive family from a flyer for an adoption agency in California at the family health clinic.  I read through portfolio's of these families longing for the child that was in my stomach, growing every day - kicking me - making me smile, and at the same time breaking every last part of my heart.  How could I choose something like this?  I didn't think that I could ever make the decision - and it was mine to make all alone.  What was I looking for?  I didn't really know what I wanted except for someone that would love this child and give her everything that I never could.  I loved her more than words could say, but what she would forever represent to me was something that I could not begin to imagine how to handle.

I was nearly 3 weeks away from my due date, and I still had not decided on a family.  Nothing had clicked, nobody fit what I thought I was looking for.
I then opened a package from them.  I read their portfolio, and looked at their pictures - it was in that moment that I once again believed in God.  I had turned him away, denied that he was ever really there for doing this to me.

I knew that they were exactly what I had been blindly searching for the last 9 months.  I contacted the agency, and within a day it was arranged for us to talk on the phone.  I felt as though I were talking to a long lost friend that I had yet to meet face to face.  I knew instantly - I had never been so sure of anything.  We talked 3 - 4 times a day, and within a week I was off to Santa Barbara where they lived - I had exactly 2 weeks left until my due date.

I arrived in Santa Barbara to open arms, tears, and a second family.  The agency thought it might be easier if I stayed with a family that volunteered with them.  I had no idea until later that night that they wanted me there with them - I didn't want to go anywhere else, either.

So, I stayed....
We watched old movies together, listened to music, talked about life, baby names, baby room colors.  I was so much a part of their family it was overwhelming.  In a good way.  They had another daughter, and at that time she was around 11 or 12.  She played soccer, and we went to all of her games, went and had lunch with her at school.  She was also adopted, and knew it an early age.  She wrote an essay at school on 'Why You Are Special,' and her topic was because she was adopted.

One of the most amazing memories from that time, and one that I will carry with me the rest of my life is the baby kicking and her getting to feel it.  We were at a soccer game, and she was kicking like crazy, but sometimes she would stop suddenly.  I hollered at her because she was on the sideline coaching.  She ran over, and put her hands so gently on my stomach, felt the kick of the little feet and we both cried.
It is something that I will never forget.

It seemed like an eternity that I was with them before the baby came - the time dragged by, and I had no problem with that, at all.  We were watching 'To Kill a Mockingbird,' and it all started - off to the hospital we went, and literally in 2 hours there she was.

I didn't see her.  I didn't think that I could handle it.  I knew that I couldn't handle it.  I wouldn't have changed my mind, but that was something that I could not do.  I thought, at that time, that I didn't want to see her at all before I went back home.  It was their wish that we could all sit together with her.

...after leaving the hospital, I went to stay with a very good friend of theirs that we had actually visited with during my time there.  They also had an adopted child, a Son.  I really liked this family, too.  Timing would have it that they were having a birthday party for their Son that night, and everyone else would be there with the baby.  I talked with Cathy about my wishes to not see the baby before I left.  She shared with me the story of her and her Sons' biological mother.  She felt the same way that I did, and didn't want to see him at all, and Cathy had hoped that they could all spend time together.  She expressed to me that the Mother decided to see him, and it was the best thing that she could have done.  I thought long and hard about it, and decided that I wanted to see her.

I spent the whole afternoon with her.  I told her how very much I loved her - there was never an issue of me not wanting her, but I just couldn't keep her.  I couldn't do it.  She was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen.  She was perfect in every way.  She deserved the world, and they could give it to her.

The adoptive Mom came in and the 3 of us spent some time together, and I knew that I had made the right decision.  I would have forever regretted not having those moments with them.

We kept in touch for quite some time.  I would get Mother's Day cards, and give them.  They sent pictures, but time passes, and people move.  We lost touch.  I have recently found them on Facebook, of course.  I just haven't made that move.  I will not talk to Alix.  It is her decision.  If she never wants to meet me or talk to me I will have to live with that.

I have had those thoughts keep me awake many a night.  She is still as beautiful as the last time that I saw her.  I hope I ever get the chance to explain to her.  To make her understand.

...to hug her and tell her that I love her so very much.

I have fought with this guilt since the day that I got on the plane and left California.  I have always told myself that I did what I had to do, and what I did was for the best - for her.

I need to finally believe that.  I have to let it go, and know that she had everything that I wanted for her.  She had everything that I could not do for her or give to her.

...it was not my fault.  I did nothing wrong.

I have sat here for the last hour doing this - with certain memories and words typed stopping to cry, smile about it, and finally...

- to finally forgive myself for the guilt, and what I put myself through so many times.