Sunday, May 15, 2011

Follow My Own Advice

A beautifully romantic night dampened with one question, and my inability to give an honest answer.

Why?  Why couldn't I say it?

I value honesty on a relationship, and I expect it - especially in the beginning stages.

In a separate conversation he asks me what I value most in a relationship, and I answered with, 'honesty.'

In another conversation a question was asked, and I told only half the truth.

It has been wearing on my brain like a leech since the moment I said it.

I can only hope that he understands my reasoning.

I have to tell the rest, and suffer the consequences.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Day 26 ~ Have You Ever Thought About Giving Up On Life? If So, When and Why?

Unfortunately, I have a 'yes' answer for this question.

It was 1995/1996, and I truly felt like I had nothing.  at all.  I was in the throws of an addiction to whatever you would give me or I could afford, and those that I thought cared the most left.  I lost some that swore in blood they would never leave me.

I shut the rest out - family included -  they didn't matter that much anyway so I looked at it as nothing lost.  I worked 2 jobs, and had a loft apartment overlooking main street in a small town in Oklahoma.  I fell into a routine of working, coming home and getting high.  Day after day after day after day after day.  I hardly spoke to anyone at work.  I was working tech support for Compaq, and was able to go to my little cubicle and escape.  I did the occasional bumps in the bathroom to get me through the day - or I would do a lot more than that, and work 2 shifts.  I had nothing else to do except support my habit.

I slowly started to realize that I had nothing to live for.  Nobody to live for.  I was barely existing.  I don't want to dwell too much on the rest of this story, but every day I thank a higher power for giving me the strength.

I sat in that bathroom floor which would later serve as my own prison with a syringe full of poison ready to end every misery I had.  Only the second time in my life I would have used a needle.  I sat there twisting it around in my fingers as a steady stream of tears flowed down my face, and I sat wondering where I had gone wrong.

...something told me that I wasn't beyond help.  I heard a voice that told me very sternly to put it down.  I still don't know if it was a male or female voice, and I suppose that it doesn't matter.  I remember getting up, walking to the sink and dumping all of it out.  I went into a fit of rage and completely trashed that apartment.  I screamed and cried at a faceless figure that represented every single person that had let me down.  I had a fit of self pity to rival any other, but...

I came through it.
I thank that voice in my prayers and whispers every day,

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Sia - Breathe Me

I can not stop listening to this song right now.  I am in awe of how a song comes around and the timing is perfect, and parallel with my current state of mind.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Post Secret for Mother's Day

I am an avid follower of Post Secret, and I think that I will start posting my weekly favorites here as well as Facebook.... or when I can't post them on Facebook.

Day 25 ~ The Reason You Believe You’re Still Alive Today.

I have sat here, and thought about this for quite some time, and have come up with quite a few answers, ideas, and thoughts.

I am taking this in the most literal sense.  I came through a lot of situations in my life that I honestly shouldn't have.  I can only believe that I had a purpose.
I didn't yet do what I was put here to do.

I don't know what that is, and maybe it all has to do with Ashleigh, maybe that and more.

One reason that I am still alive today - I never gave up.  I never quit no matter how down I was.
I am stronger than I think, and I am stopping this here before I get off on some other tangent. 

Saturday, May 7, 2011

And There My Mind Goes

I am starting to over think, analyze and criticize.  I do it to myself so well.

I posted the traits of Aquarius awhile back, and made the comment that I had an issue with one listed, and that is  one of Aquarius being 'emotionally detached.'  I didn't, and still don't like that, and never thought that I fit into that description.

I was told that I was exactly that, and by someone that I think to be very intuitive... sees me very well.  I just don't get it.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, and my scars are there for everyone to see.

I wanted to say quite a bit in response to that comment, but it wasn't the time.  It did, however, lead me to evaluate the relationship, be that what it may.  I realized a lot about the other person by them making that comment, and it's not so much the actual making of the comment, it's what followed.  He liked that about me.  He was attracted to the fact that I was 'emotionally detached.'  His example being that a lot of women need to be texted everyday or called everyday.  I didn't admit that if a day goes by that I don't talk to him in one form or another I get a tad bummed about it.  I'm not blowing up his phone asking where he has been, and all that shit because that's not me.  I am busy, and have a life, too.  Nonetheless, I still get a bit bummed.

Maybe he means it in that simplest form.
In that one example.

I , of course, am taking it and letting it stew in my head until it forms into this big, evil monster that will wear me down and have me a paranoid android.  Yes, I am completely internalizing it.  Why?

...because of the front that I put up. I want people to think that I don't truly care, and I don't to a certain extent.  When I cross that line with you - I want you to know that I am truly a big softie inside, but you are going to have to pull her out.  I don't just give it easily - as much as I may want to.  I want to know you care enough to try.

I hate it.  This one conversation over candle light has had me an emotional mess.  I don't want to say that it clouds the amazing time that I had, but it may have dimmed it a little bit.  I have a million things running like wild stallions in my head.  I am drawing a million conclusions from 5 minutes worth of conversation.

Unfortunately, none of them are in my favor.  again.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Stay, Wasting Time

I have been bad.  I said that this was going to be the new home for my rampant thoughts, and wild musings, but I have neglected it...again.

I feel the difference,  I notice the shift and off balance feeling I get when I am not here to let it all out.  Bleed it out as Jess says...and that is SO fitting a phrase.  She knows I don't get it out, I bleed it out.

I have a lot to catch up on - mainly to finish my 30 Day Challenge that has had about a 20 day break inbetween posts.

...there is also a lot on the personal front.  I finally met Melissa!  She came down for Mardi Gras, and we all went.  It was amazing.  I miss them all so much.  I need to post the pictures.

I am seeing someone.  He is, let's just say quite a bit younger than I am, but beyond my age in his soul.  I have fun with him, and while right now it is nothing serious, I like him a lot.  We shall see.

I am catching up on my tattoos, FINALLY.  I got both the old ones covered up, and they look fantastic.  I will post some pictures later.

I should get back to work, but it is SO slow today - especially for a Monday.  All of the guys are out of the office, and I am playing catch up on a few things.  SO, I guess I should do that.