Wednesday, April 4, 2012


Is it ok to keep things that were from a different time, a different person?  I know that people are different in how they handle being an 'ex,' but some things I deem unnecessary to hold on to.

I get rid of everything - pictures, videos - especially those of a sexual nature.  I wouldn't like finding that kind of stuff of my new guy with his ex so I don't want anyone else to feel that way.  It is hurtful.  Why is it being held on to?  To go back and re-live the moment?  Maybe think about what you don't have anymore?  I just don't understand the point in keeping these things.

I think that I am irreversibly incapable of trust.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Blame It On The Moscato

...sitting alone with the light of the TV, and the sounds of Blue October.... drinking, crying, and wondering where it all went wrong.

I can answer that - dropping out of college after one year is where it went wrong.  I wouldn't be here right now as a 38 year old single mother looking for work.  Just one of the many bad decisions that I have made in my life, and for some fucked up reason I can't break that habit.

What a great role model I am.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Thankfully Thankful

I sat down last night, and had nearly 2 pages of words, and thoughts.  I sat and re-read it over, and it started to sound like a lot of complaining, and self-pity bullshit.

I have some things fucked up in my life right now, and though it seems like my only luck is bad luck I do have to stop and be thankful for the blessings that I have.  I feel that sometimes that is hard for me to do.  I feel it is hard for all of us to do as it is easier to focus on what isn't right in our lives.

I am nowhere near where I thought I would be right now in my life.  I always saw a house, a husband, the whole bullshit fairy tale of happiness.  I am happy for the most part.  I feel that I have wasted now half of my life without the one that I am 'supposed' to be with, and now we won't have any time together at all.  If he truly exists. I push, though.  I push before I become vulnerable, and get hurt.  I wish that I could fall in love and love without abandon like I once did.  Is it age?  Is it the fact that I have been so hurt by doing just that?  Is it that I feel I only have so much of my heart left to give?

The wall that has been so thick around my heart and mind is slowly being chipped away at.  I once was scared to admit that, but now I almost like the sound of it.  No, I do like the sound of it.  So, for that I am thankful.  I decided that I have to let it go - now, deciding to do it, and actually being able to do it are 2 very different things, but it's baby steps.  It's the kind of baby steps that will determine who cares enough to stay for the big steps.  I am thankful for him.  I am thankful that my heart has decided to give me a chance, and most importantly I am giving it a chance.

 I feel that I have cheated Ashleigh in so many ways.  She has always had everything that she needed, but not always everything that she has wanted.  Tax returns, and bonuses always went to get her something extra or something I couldn't afford when she asked for it because all in all she is an amazing child, and she deserved it.  I'm not saying that she would have been a spoiled, 'get everything that she wants' child because that wouldn't have happened.  I just wish there were more times of me not having to tell her no to something.

She and I are having a hard time right now, and it kills every fiber of my being, but I am trying to understand the whole dynamic that is the Teenage Daughter, and not take it so personal, but that's what I do.  I was one myself, but there were so many things that were different, and on so many levels.  She and I have an amazing relationship, and for that I am beyond thankful.

I am thankful for every day that I have with her before she leaves to start her own life, and that is in just a very few short years.  I pray every night that I have given her the right values to live by, and that I have made even the smallest difference in her life.  She is an amazing human being with the most beautiful soul and heart.  I hope I have given her what she needs to protect it.

I am thankful every minute of every day that I ever had the chance.