Monday, January 31, 2011

One Step Up, 5 Steps Back

I thought that I was over it.

After all, it has been over a year, if not longer, since all communication just suddenly stopped.  I wouldn't do what he wanted me to do so he left... in every sense of the word.

Love of my life, high school sweetheart - the one that broke my heart the best.

A mutual friend just HAD to tell me that she heard the news today, oh boy.  He is getting married this year to the one that he met after me.
One that I also went to school with, and was very good friends with at one time.

How does that feel going down?
Like a switchblade dipped in alcohol would feel cutting the inside of your throat.
Maybe a 10" sword covered in salt and vinegar being stabbed repeatedly into my stomach.
Or repeated blows to the head with a fucking baseball bat that has spikes on the end of it.

I had pretty much put him out of my head along with the feelings that I had for him, and wished him well, but hearing that stirred up everything all over again.

He always said that he was only doing it once - I hope it works out for him.

I am having my moment, and I am going to push it away.

It will not define nor destroy me.

Sunday, January 30, 2011


So, another birthday has come and gone.  I have to say that this birthday, by far, sucked more than most.

I didn't even get a fucking card.

I know - I am 30 (something), and birthdays aren't what they used to be, but damn.  I would have really liked a card - even a present would have been nice.  I take that back - I did get a present.  A t-shirt from a restaurant we went to a few weeks back from my Mom.  Typical.

The one girlfriend that I could have gone out with bailed on me, and honestly - I know it is SO sad, but I don't have friends that I can call up and say, 'Hey - it's my fucking birthday - let's go drink!'

....even worse is that I don't have friends that would surprise me, or even call to say that they were all taking me out.

Yes, I am being a big fucking cry baby today.  Get the fuck over it.

...and to make it all better, the hot water heater that is in the attic, and right above my bedroom decided to spring a leak from a rusty pipe Friday night, and drip down to my closet soaking my closet floor.  I now have half the carpet in my room gone, a hole in the ceiling, 3 industrial size fans, and one de-humidifier that have to run until Monday night, and have been running since yesterday afternoon.

My closet, and all of the contents are strewn between the dining room and hallway, along with my dresser and dresser drawers.  I slept in Ashleigh's room last night because she actually wanted to sleep in my room with the fans going.

I want to go back to Friday night and start all over again.

I am also on my way to the gym to get it all out.


Thursday, January 27, 2011

This is Your Moment

I am a very 'Astrological' person.  I am a true Aquarius by any definition, minus a few things - and they are as follows:

Aquarius is thought to be very unemotional and detached.  In my Astrology book it reads, 'It's not that we don't have feelings; it's just that ours are different from most others. You dance to the beat of a different drummer.'

I am a very emotional creature.  I like seeing emotion from other people- it's very real and honest when true.  I long for intimacy, and the feeling of being needed and wanted.  Sometimes to a fault, I need reassurance.  I am very insecure in some ways, and very secure in others.

I think that besides what my Air sign means, what other traits I carry or don't carry, my ruling planet, which is Uranus explains a lot.

As the key planet of Aquarius, it encourages us to rebel against social injustices and to seek freedom of expression in our lives. 

I couldn't agree more.  All of my life I have struggled with this.  In going along with the title of this blog the freedom of expression is starting to come around full circle, and is making me realize a number of things.

Freedom of expression isn't always in the clothes you wear or the color of your hair.  It isn't about what's on my Ipod or in my movie list or the posters on my wall.  

Mr. Poe said:

From childhood's hour I have not been As others were; I have not seen As others saw; I could not bring My passions from a common spring. From the same source I have not taken My sorrow; I could not awaken My heart to joy at the same tone; And all I loved, I loved alone. can say that again.

I have had all of this floating around, rather flying around, in my head ever since the trip to Galveston.  I had a lot of things confirmed, and founded.  They were justified - my feelings, and fears.  I learned that my path to discovering Allison is working.
The path to a better Allison, a more accepting Allison, maybe.
A more eager Allison, definitely.

I feel a calm inside.  It fills the hole that was filled with anger, regret and contempt for everything in my life, and everything that was a part of it.... that's not easy, either - that is a big hole.  I don't feel like asking 'why me' anymore.  I feel as though I need to figure that out for myself.  I know there are many things beyond my control.  I have to accept that shit happens, and it isn't being caused by a higher power pissed at me for stepping on the spider.  It's because shit happens - it's not always because I am doing or have done something wrong in my life.  If that were the case - there would be no hope.

I am trying to fix that, though.
I am opening my mind, and I am learning to ask for help.... something very hard for me to do.
I am learning and accepting.

All on a very spiritual level.

I said that this year, 2011, would be my year.  For what?
For everything that I want and deserve.
The universe wasn't keeping me from it - I was keeping myself from it.

...those days are over.

After all, 11 is one of my lucky numbers.  Even though last year the number 11 and I had a huge misunderstanding - we have worked it out.
We are good.
We are ready.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Following a Sign

I find it very interesting that I decided to look at the Way Back Machine link that I had for DyingDays this morning.

Actually, what I find interesting is the fact that I clicked on the link about Mackenzie.  Out of the many, many links to days, and days of words and feelings, I unknowingly click on that day.

Only those of you that ever read DyingDays will know what I am talking about, and it may be a topic of discussion here...depending on what happens.

...what happens when what, you ask?

...wait for it.

Monday, January 24, 2011


...this is one of my favorite songs by Tegan and Sara, and the last verse is very appropriate for the events of today.

...nothing like getting the ax for your birthday.  I just have to accept that it is for a reason.  I am trying to do what I said I would above.  I am actually very relieved to not have to go back to that place.  I don't do well with ass kissers and flat-out liars.

Be positive.
Let it rock and roll right off my shoulders.
Trust that it has happened for a reason.

...and it better be a damn good reason, too.

With my freedom from the mighty sky to the ground 
She said you've got the freedom baby
Walk out if they drag you down
Standin' on the edge of a crisis
We decide to raise our own voices
Consider that the sounds is our own 
And the fact our feet grow up from the ground
This is where I wanna be
This is who I wanna be
So they get my voice
But they can they can never get my soul - yes
There's a million things about me you will never know.

One Day at a Time

I truly hate a Monday. It makes me sad that the weekend, which is way too short, is already over.

....starting today,

I will be more positive.
I will let it roll right off my back.
I will do my daily affirmations with an open heart and mind.
I will not make excuses for not going to the gym. This fat ass needs to go.

....there is more, but this is a good start.
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