Saturday, March 12, 2011

Day 23 ~ Something You Wish You Had Done in Your Life.

...that's pretty obvious, huh?

I graduated high school, and left the 'girls home', and the last thing that I wanted to do was go to college.  I started working.  I loved the idea of finally being on my own, making my own money, and having the apartment, paying my own bills.  So that's what I did.

I was never really told that college was something that I HAD, rather - should do.  I didn't get that guidance from my family, and I sure as hell didn't get it where I was.  I remember my Junior year going to a seminar, or college prep thing or something like that, but I was never talked to about what I wanted to do.  

I am not blaming it all on that, obviously I knew that college was important, but I think things would have been different if I would have had a strong support system kicking my butt to do it.

I have a damn good job now, and I have excellent 'on the job' experience in what I do, but when I am looking for a job - none of that matters, and it sucks.

I stress to Ashleigh nearly everyday how important it is that she go to college.  I like the fact that the school district also stresses this starting very early.  They have workshops, college nights, and other events many times throughout the year - starting in 8th grade.  I am thankful for that.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Day 22 ~ Something You Wish You Hadn’t Done In Your Life.

I think this question walks a thin line between simply wishing you hadn't done something and regretting something.

I don't truly regret anything as those decisions and choices were made for a reason - one that I may still not understand, but a reason nonetheless.

To simply name something that I wish I hadn't done may be easier, and not come with the implication of regret, and having said that I do wish that I wouldn't have pushed that one person away.

I am so good at it - it is an art that I perfected.  I always pushed before I got pushed, and I would probably still have that person in my life as the only person in the world who truly knows me, and loves me just for me. He was the best friend that I ever had, and it was only a friendship, and one in the purest of forms.

I miss you, and I have needed you so many times.

I'm sorry.

Day 21 ~

Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? 

Really?  You have asked some pretty good questions so far, 30 Day - whatever you are, but this one is lacking.

I don't care if we told each other to fuck off and die - I don't care what she/he or I may have done to each other to warrant the fight, but I would be there in a heartbeat.  No questions.

Now, if the accident was a minor one, and she/he was ok or suffered only minor injuries - the fight is totally back on.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Day 20 ~ Your Views on Drugs and Alcohol

I have talked about it before, and while it is something that I am, in a way, ashamed of, it is a big part of what made me who I am today.  I hate that saying sometimes, but when you can say it, and truly understand it - it works - it carries meaning.

I struggled with addiction for many years.  There are  few drugs that I never tried - even once just to say that I had tried it.  I used a needle one time, and much like the time I tried heroin - I thank a higher power that I was able to realize how fucking good it was, and to know that I needed to stay away from it.  I still don't know how I did it - I have a very addictive personality.  I have heard the term 'functioning alcoholic,' and for a long time it didn't make sense to me, but when I really looked back on those years it made perfect sense.  I was a functioning addict.  I held 2 jobs, paid rent, bills, a car payment, insurance - all of that adult shit.  I was just fucked up all the time.  I learned to still function while on my 4th day of being awake, or on so many pills I couldn't remember how many or what I took - chased with Tequila.  Sometimes that was just to get out of bed.

I went through something that turned that 'functioning' into barely able to do anything at all.  I sat on the bathroom floor of my loft apartment for 2 weeks surrounded by my own personal assortment of lucky charms, rolled up dollar bills, and bottles.  This was my low, my rock bottom.

I pulled myself out of it - I did it by myself.  I still don't know how I did it.  By this time I had pushed away the few people left that cared enough to stick around longer than the others.  I lie, a little.  It was in this time that the words of Layne truly broke through to me.  All else had failed me, but I found refuge in his understanding and sympathetic words. I felt not so alone - even though my shadow was my only friend.  It was writing and Layne.  I wrote letter after letter to him - never sent.  Shaking, sweating - we were going to kick this together - he had to.  I had to.  I held up my end of the deal.

I think having gone through an addiction gives you a whole new outlook or opinion of drug use.  I am 100% honest with Ashleigh, and I have made her sit and watch Intervention.
I am a lucky one.
A lot of those people are the lucky ones who make it.  More than that do not.
She is aware of that.  I think that she is scared of it.

So, after all of that my opinion is that drugs are very, very bad - but at the same time I get so aggravated that people are so quick to dismiss an addict and their behavior.  It is truly a disease that takes over your entire body, mind and fucking soul.  I understand.  I went through the process with 2 very good friends.  I lost them both, but so many times I wanted to throw my hands up and walk away - that only makes the need and the want worse.
It ignites the voices of doubt, and fear, and self-loathing.
I understood that.  The addict hears that you are leaving them, they feel that you don't care - not that it is out of love.

I knew that I would steer to the right with this and get off true topic, but it is hard not to.  I always feel the need to explain things, and then explain the explanation.

I never had a problem with alcohol, but have dealt with many others in the situation.  I don't feel like I can fairly give an opinion as before.  Oddly enough - I always have something to say, but with this I can't really say anything...this kind of bothers me.  I need to think about this -

...those that know me know I have no problem having a few Margarita's, shots of Patron, a glass of wine or way too many beers at Mardi Gras, but as far as drinking like I did when I was in my 20's?  Fuggit about it.

Day 19 ~ What Do You Think of Religion? What Do You Think of Politics?

I have views, and I have opinions on both subjects as everyone does, but I choose to keep them to myself.

I truly find it hard to not judge someone - not based on what their own personal beliefs are, but how they choose to express them.  It says a lot about a person, truly.

I have had quite a few people completely surprise me when they started rambling their religious or political views in my face, and I realized that they were not the kind of person that I would choose to associate myself with.

So, in short - I am keeping my mouth shut, and we all know how hard that is for me to do.