Monday, July 25, 2011

Breaking The Habit

I keep avoiding the last 2 questions on my 30 day challenge, and it's because I just can't quite get there - the answers or feelings just will not surface... or maybe it is how I want to say it.  In time, I guess.

So much more is weighing on my mind right now that does want to get out.

How do you break a habit that you have been taught all of your life?  The habit being that you run away from it, stuff it down, turn your back on it, and it will go away, right?  Not so much.

I wasn't always like that, this - I ended up being made to feel like every fiber of my being was wrong, stupid, or just plain ridiculous.  Who would keep giving when you got nothing in return except ridicule?  People wait for their turn to talk, and never really listen.  Surely their problems are huge compared to mine, and insignificant is an understatement.

I don't want to be like that anymore, but how do I know they are truly genuine?  Do you not think that I have heard every word you have said time and time again?  I still feel that something is different, and I need to learn to let myself latch onto that part - however tiny it may be.  There is a small voice that is screaming for me to open my eyes, and believe it - not 99.4%, but 100%.

It is just so fucking hard.  How can I let that guard down, and still not lose it all in the process?

In the most literal terms of turning my back - I have already done that, and it has already left a scar on something that was very promising - I feel the damage is done - there is no explaining or rationalizing as no matter what I say or any explanation that I may give would be looked down on.

Do I even have an answer as to why I did that?  I don't know -    

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