'The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.' ~ Gandhi
I have a lot of somethings to forgive. I have tried and tried, but I don't know that by pushing it away and never thinking about it equals me truly forgiving.
If I had to single out one thing - it would be that you gave up on me, and sent me away instead of stepping up, and being a better parent. I would never do that to my child. You are just too selfish and self-absorbed to ever think that you might have done something wrong.
I never had you for my first broken heart...
...prom
...softball or volleyball games - track meets
...it would have never felt like it should have, anyway.
You never even came to visit. Too busy in Ruidoso or Cancun living it up.
You always say that we lived in a nice house and I had nice clothes, and I really have nothing to complain about. I'm sorry, but that doesn't make a relationship, and it sure as fuck doesn't make a child happy or feel loved. You are the materialistic one - not me.
Those people that you tried so hard to keep me away from - you remember, you hated them because they had mohawks, all the guys wore eye-liner and black lipstick - we dressed all in black because we liked it. We never took our combat boots off, and we listened to music that you thought was trash.
...they loved me for ME, and they were my family.
The relationship that we have to this day is a scarred and broken one. I almost prefer it that way. I don't know that I like the person that you are at all.
You are perfect, if only in your own eyes.
I have forgiven you for what you did, but I will never forget what it did to me. I do have to admit that by you sending me away it made me the person that I am today. I am so much stronger than I ever give myself credit for, and I am still as fucked up emotionally for it as the day that you drove away. I had to learn real quick just who I was.
I made friendships with other girls that are as strong as ever to this day...and that?
...that you can not take from me.
I can honestly say I know exactly how you feel. I feel it too. But I haven't forgiven. I know this is what I will write about also. I have found so much out as an adult that absolutely makes me cringe. And I don't know how to forgive for what the woman that I called my step mother did. I love you Ali. I love reading your writting ... I connect. I love you more everytime I read because I know.
ReplyDelete...and that is what all of us have - that connection.
ReplyDeleteWe had each other then, and we have each other now... the ones that truly matter, anyway.
I love you, too -