Catch-Up

I have been thinking a lot lately about the past, not dwelling or regretting, but simply thinking about it.  Exploring, without hurt.

I know we all have a story, and a sordid history that helped define us - some worse than others, and some on a silver platter.

I have been thinking a lot that I am really not sure how I made it through mine.  I can't, at times, believe that I am here when I think of some of the shit that I have done to myself, or had happen to me through no fault of my own.

I didn't deserve a lot of shit that I went through - most as a young child - an innocent player in the ugly games that adults play without regard to consequence.  I had to grow up way too quick, and deal with too much - too young.  These things defined and nurtured the need for the future drug use, addiction, self-mutilation, depression - the list goes on.  I know that I made the decision to...
drink from the bottle
snort the line
flick the air bubble out, but...

I was trying to escape.  I wanted it to all go away, so I could be numb...for once.  I wanted to stop feeling, caring, and obsessing over things that were not under my control.  With these habits came a peace and a quiet that by all definition was killing me...softly and sweetly with its' saving grace.
The beautiful face of euphoria.

I wish that I would have been a better person, a stronger person - a more secure person that could have risen above those challenges and demons that fed into every negative thought - invading every good thought with the sick poison of doubt and fear.

I wonder what part of me is better for having gone through these things.  I can see that I am stronger, I feel it, but in some ways...

I am as weak and scared as that little girl clutching the teddy bear in the corner - dreaming of a way to make it all go away.

...or the addict laid across the bathroom floor clinging to a shred of dignity wondering if there will ever be a way out before it is too late.

I made it all go away, and I found my way out before it was too late.

I still don't know how, but I thank a higher power everyday that I did.

I hope it's not too late to figure out why.