Day 26 ~ Have You Ever Thought About Giving Up On Life? If So, When and Why?

Unfortunately, I have a 'yes' answer for this question.

It was 1995/1996, and I truly felt like I had nothing.  at all.  I was in the throws of an addiction to whatever you would give me or I could afford, and those that I thought cared the most left.  I lost some that swore in blood they would never leave me.

I shut the rest out - family included -  they didn't matter that much anyway so I looked at it as nothing lost.  I worked 2 jobs, and had a loft apartment overlooking main street in a small town in Oklahoma.  I fell into a routine of working, coming home and getting high.  Day after day after day after day after day.  I hardly spoke to anyone at work.  I was working tech support for Compaq, and was able to go to my little cubicle and escape.  I did the occasional bumps in the bathroom to get me through the day - or I would do a lot more than that, and work 2 shifts.  I had nothing else to do except support my habit.

I slowly started to realize that I had nothing to live for.  Nobody to live for.  I was barely existing.  I don't want to dwell too much on the rest of this story, but every day I thank a higher power for giving me the strength.

I sat in that bathroom floor which would later serve as my own prison with a syringe full of poison ready to end every misery I had.  Only the second time in my life I would have used a needle.  I sat there twisting it around in my fingers as a steady stream of tears flowed down my face, and I sat wondering where I had gone wrong.

...something told me that I wasn't beyond help.  I heard a voice that told me very sternly to put it down.  I still don't know if it was a male or female voice, and I suppose that it doesn't matter.  I remember getting up, walking to the sink and dumping all of it out.  I went into a fit of rage and completely trashed that apartment.  I screamed and cried at a faceless figure that represented every single person that had let me down.  I had a fit of self pity to rival any other, but...

I came through it.
I thank that voice in my prayers and whispers every day,