I have talked about it before, and while it is something that I am, in a way, ashamed of, it is a big part of what made me who I am today. I hate that saying sometimes, but when you can say it, and truly understand it - it works - it carries meaning.
I struggled with addiction for many years. There are few drugs that I never tried - even once just to say that I had tried it. I used a needle one time, and much like the time I tried heroin - I thank a higher power that I was able to realize how fucking good it was, and to know that I needed to stay away from it. I still don't know how I did it - I have a very addictive personality. I have heard the term 'functioning alcoholic,' and for a long time it didn't make sense to me, but when I really looked back on those years it made perfect sense. I was a functioning addict. I held 2 jobs, paid rent, bills, a car payment, insurance - all of that adult shit. I was just fucked up all the time. I learned to still function while on my 4th day of being awake, or on so many pills I couldn't remember how many or what I took - chased with Tequila. Sometimes that was just to get out of bed.
I went through something that turned that 'functioning' into barely able to do anything at all. I sat on the bathroom floor of my loft apartment for 2 weeks surrounded by my own personal assortment of lucky charms, rolled up dollar bills, and bottles. This was my low, my rock bottom.
I pulled myself out of it - I did it by myself. I still don't know how I did it. By this time I had pushed away the few people left that cared enough to stick around longer than the others. I lie, a little. It was in this time that the words of Layne truly broke through to me. All else had failed me, but I found refuge in his understanding and sympathetic words. I felt not so alone - even though my shadow was my only friend. It was writing and Layne. I wrote letter after letter to him - never sent. Shaking, sweating - we were going to kick this together - he had to. I had to. I held up my end of the deal.
I think having gone through an addiction gives you a whole new outlook or opinion of drug use. I am 100% honest with Ashleigh, and I have made her sit and watch Intervention.
I am a lucky one.
A lot of those people are the lucky ones who make it. More than that do not.
She is aware of that. I think that she is scared of it.
So, after all of that my opinion is that drugs are very, very bad - but at the same time I get so aggravated that people are so quick to dismiss an addict and their behavior. It is truly a disease that takes over your entire body, mind and fucking soul. I understand. I went through the process with 2 very good friends. I lost them both, but so many times I wanted to throw my hands up and walk away - that only makes the need and the want worse.
It ignites the voices of doubt, and fear, and self-loathing.
I understood that. The addict hears that you are leaving them, they feel that you don't care - not that it is out of love.
I knew that I would steer to the right with this and get off true topic, but it is hard not to. I always feel the need to explain things, and then explain the explanation.
I never had a problem with alcohol, but have dealt with many others in the situation. I don't feel like I can fairly give an opinion as before. Oddly enough - I always have something to say, but with this I can't really say anything...this kind of bothers me. I need to think about this -
...those that know me know I have no problem having a few Margarita's, shots of Patron, a glass of wine or way too many beers at Mardi Gras, but as far as drinking like I did when I was in my 20's? Fuggit about it.
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