XXX

Is it ok to keep things that were from a different time, a different person?  I know that people are different in how they handle being an 'ex,' but some things I deem unnecessary to hold on to.

I get rid of everything - pictures, videos - especially those of a sexual nature.  I wouldn't like finding that kind of stuff of my new guy with his ex so I don't want anyone else to feel that way.  It is hurtful.  Why is it being held on to?  To go back and re-live the moment?  Maybe think about what you don't have anymore?  I just don't understand the point in keeping these things.

I think that I am irreversibly incapable of trust.

Blame It On The Moscato

...sitting alone with the light of the TV, and the sounds of Blue October.... drinking, crying, and wondering where it all went wrong.

I can answer that - dropping out of college after one year is where it went wrong.  I wouldn't be here right now as a 38 year old single mother looking for work.  Just one of the many bad decisions that I have made in my life, and for some fucked up reason I can't break that habit.

What a great role model I am.

Thankfully Thankful

I sat down last night, and had nearly 2 pages of words, and thoughts.  I sat and re-read it over, and it started to sound like a lot of complaining, and self-pity bullshit.

I have some things fucked up in my life right now, and though it seems like my only luck is bad luck I do have to stop and be thankful for the blessings that I have.  I feel that sometimes that is hard for me to do.  I feel it is hard for all of us to do as it is easier to focus on what isn't right in our lives.

I am nowhere near where I thought I would be right now in my life.  I always saw a house, a husband, the whole bullshit fairy tale of happiness.  I am happy for the most part.  I feel that I have wasted now half of my life without the one that I am 'supposed' to be with, and now we won't have any time together at all.  If he truly exists. I push, though.  I push before I become vulnerable, and get hurt.  I wish that I could fall in love and love without abandon like I once did.  Is it age?  Is it the fact that I have been so hurt by doing just that?  Is it that I feel I only have so much of my heart left to give?

The wall that has been so thick around my heart and mind is slowly being chipped away at.  I once was scared to admit that, but now I almost like the sound of it.  No, I do like the sound of it.  So, for that I am thankful.  I decided that I have to let it go - now, deciding to do it, and actually being able to do it are 2 very different things, but it's baby steps.  It's the kind of baby steps that will determine who cares enough to stay for the big steps.  I am thankful for him.  I am thankful that my heart has decided to give me a chance, and most importantly I am giving it a chance.

 I feel that I have cheated Ashleigh in so many ways.  She has always had everything that she needed, but not always everything that she has wanted.  Tax returns, and bonuses always went to get her something extra or something I couldn't afford when she asked for it because all in all she is an amazing child, and she deserved it.  I'm not saying that she would have been a spoiled, 'get everything that she wants' child because that wouldn't have happened.  I just wish there were more times of me not having to tell her no to something.

She and I are having a hard time right now, and it kills every fiber of my being, but I am trying to understand the whole dynamic that is the Teenage Daughter, and not take it so personal, but that's what I do.  I was one myself, but there were so many things that were different, and on so many levels.  She and I have an amazing relationship, and for that I am beyond thankful.

I am thankful for every day that I have with her before she leaves to start her own life, and that is in just a very few short years.  I pray every night that I have given her the right values to live by, and that I have made even the smallest difference in her life.  She is an amazing human being with the most beautiful soul and heart.  I hope I have given her what she needs to protect it.

I am thankful every minute of every day that I ever had the chance.

Turning It Around Again

So funny how things can go from one extreme to the other.  For example when breaking up with someone - if it is a bad break-up the hate you feel for that person is overwhelming, and just a few short weeks or months ago you couldn't live without each other.

I said a few things in that previous post that are so untrue right now.  I wish him well, and I am glad that I got to see him after 22 years, but I am not at all sorry that I can't be the one to 'fix' him.  I am putting my foot down right now, and am done taking on issues and problems that aren't mine.  I have always wanted to help, and fix things for my friends.  I want everyone to be happy, and if there is something that I can do to help that then I don't think twice about doing it.

Not anymore.  The line for being there to offer a shoulder, and taking it all on has become almost non-existent, and I need to define it once again.

I learned a lot about myself this year, and I feel that I am finally almost 100% happy with that person.  She still needs a little fine tuning, but she has come a long way, and I am proud of her, and that is what I need to focus on.

Day 31 - I Take It All Back

I feel so lost right now.

So much has happened, but this is not the place for it.

I am so drained, confused, unsure, and scared.  It is so hard to admit that.

How the hell am I supposed to let someone know the real Allison, the whole 9 yards be it good or bad, good AND bad, when in a matter of minutes I could be their second choice?

Why do people have to lie?  I would rather be hurt by the truth than be hurt even more by a lie....and to know the truth, and still get the lies in answers is even worse.

Why can't anything go smoothly?  I'm not asking for easy - or is that the same thing?  I am tired of struggling.  I want a flow.

The first day in nearly 4 months that there was no communication.

'What are you up to?'

I didn't know I could miss those simple words when they weren't there on my screen... when I didn't see them all day.

I shared more than I have with any other person, and most importantly I WANTED to share more, open more, and be more trusting.  I don't trust blindly, it has to be earned.  I was trying.so.fucking.hard.

All in vain.

I can't right now.

Day 30 ~ A letter to Yourself of Everything You Love About Yourself

Dear Allison,

I love your heart.  You have such a good heart, and continue to do so leaving all that has hurt you behind.  You would help any person in any situation to the best of your ability, and you truly care about people.

I love your unwavering belief in true love.  You truly are a hopeless romantic, again, despite the scars that you carry.  You are such a loving, and caring person when you feel it is deserved.

I love your sense of humor, and wicked sarcasm.  Your ability to get along with, and talk to anybody has come a long way.  I love your laugh, and the fact that you laugh with your while being.  You always want to make sure that everyone else is having fun.  You almost 100% of the time put your needs behind anyone else's.

I love that you are trying to see the good in every situation, and learn how you can grow from whatever the outcome may be or no matter how bad it hurts.

I love what a good Mother you are.  We are often times so critical of our parenting abilities, and constantly question ourselves, and that is normal, but deep down you are raising a beautiful human being.  You need to tell yourself that more often.

I love your open mind, your non-judgmental nature, and acceptance of everyone around you no matter what they might believe in, who they may love or what they hold true to their hearts.

You are way too hard on yourself, and are your own worst enemy.  I hope that you can overcome that, and learn to be truly happy.  You deserve it - and don't ever forget that.

Day 29 ~ Something You Hope to Change About Yourself. Why?

Perfectly flawed.

An earlier entry asked a question along these same lines, and I found that one harder to answer for some reason.

I would like to change my crippling insecurity.  I don't show it, apparently, and I guess that is a good thing, but I think that enables it to eat more and more at the inside.  The voices in my head are definitely not on my side the majority of the time, but how do I change that on my own?

I'm not just insecure about outer appearances, but about everything that I do or feel or say.

I feel that I constantly need to be reminded by those that care about me - that they care.  Why?  I hate that, and I am sure the other party finds it quite annoying, but I don't know where it comes from, and I don't know how to fix it.

I think this has to be my biggest issue with myself.  I know how to fix the other things that I am unhappy with, and it is just a matter of doing it, but this - with this I am completely lost.